Toast of London - Episode Guide

Steven Toast is a successful actor. Now in his forties, Toast regularly appears in prestigious television dramas, and on the London stage. However, he has made a recent career faux pass by electing to star in a new controversial West End stage play. The play is considered so outrageous, that Toast is frequently attacked by appalled members of the British public. Recently divorced, Toast is staying with his friend Ed Howzer Black and Ed's elderly mistress, the agoraphobic Goodhouse. In the pilot episode Toast is asked to audition for the long running television series, 'Inspector Somerset'. However, the producer has been recently imprisoned for racial chanting on the set of his own production, so Toast has to audition for the part of a gay corrupt detective during prisoners' visiting time.

In this first episode of 'Toast of London' things seem to be looking up for actor Steven Toast. Not only has he won a Best Actor Award, but he's also getting more than a bit of attention from the ladies, mysterious journalist Susan Random and the beautiful Jemima Gina. But Toast's agent Jane Plough's lack of computer literacy skills, and a rogue psychopath, threaten to derail his good fortune.

Toast's excitement at winning a part in a new play is tempered by two facts. One, his nemesis Ray Purchase is also in it. Two, there's a rumour his director, Acker Herron, has a history of murdering difficult actors. Romantically, Toast has to choose between his old RADA contemporary, the fun-loving and beautiful Greta Cargo, and a prostitute.

Caught in the middle of an acrimonious and expensive divorce Toast needs to find a lot of cash, fast. Given two potential solutions, a starring role in a new feature film being made by a rich Arab billionaire or a laxative ad, he plumps for the former, despite the protestations of his agent Jane Plough. But given the content of the movie, has Toast made the right decision?

Toast's new girlfriend, the aristocratic Portia de Coogan thinks it's about time Toast met her father Lord Fotheringham. To make the best impression, it's vital Toast works on his sense of humour. Seeing as he doesn't have one, this may prove a challenge. Professionally, some voice over work for the Royal Navy leads to a terrifying visit to the launch of their latest submarine...The Penetrator.

Toast is tired of doing crummy voiceovers and appearing every night in his terrible play. With the help of new agent, Brooke Hooberman, he tries his hand at a new career...an author of erotic literature. He also finds himself a glamorous new lady friend, Kate Khan, who would be perfect if she didn't have her deaf, dumb and blind aunt constantly in tow.

After losing 20,000 to Andrew Lloyd Webber in a celebrity poker game, Toast finds himself being hunted by musical superstar and part time theatre-land enforcer, Michael Ball. Needing cash quick, a desperate Toast agrees to dub some gay art house porn. When his nemesis, Ray Purchase catches him in bed with his wife, Toast is caught up in a life or death showdown with both Purchase and Ball on the stage of his appalling play.

Toast is intrigued to find that Ed is entering a Celebrities and Prostitutes Blow Football Tournament.

Ray Purchase snitches on Toast to the 'Tax People', meaning he is forced to do some particularly unattractive jobs to pay off his bill.

A return to the West End stage in the legendary 'whodunnit' play The Moose Trap is seriously jeopardized when Toast reveals the killer's identity in a radio interview. As attendances at the show dwindle, Toast is forced to look elsewhere for employment. When the job of the announcer on a legendary University quiz show becomes available, he is very keen to land the job. But first he will have to impress the show's fearsome (and famously rude) host.

After the tragic death of his friend Axel Jacklin, Britain's finest exponent of acting in high winds, Toast finds himself in demand for dramatic roles such as Napoleonic-era sea captains and mad Shakesperean kings. However, in order to land these attractive parts, Toast discovers that he must become a Freemason. As it seems that every actor in Britain is 'on the square'. Toast asks Ed to help him join the local lodge.

When Jane promises Toast a major role in a big budget movie to be shot in Britain, he is hugely excited. But when his American superstar co-star, Max Gland, has an accident on set, Toast finds that his own role, playing a villainous rival, has terrifying consequences. Meanwhile, Toast's ex-wife, Ellen, has become engaged to Stirling Porrich, a wealthy Devon crisp manufacturer. Toast is determined to stop the wedding at all costs.

Toast finds himself having to move out from his digs while Ed's niece, Honeysuckle, comes to stay. Honeysuckle has come down to get homeopathy treatment for an allergy which is more close to demonic possession. Toast also learns the love of his life and the woman that broke his heart is back in town appearing in a west end show.

Live on chat show 'Lorraine' Toast tells a tale that could not only topple the US government but also destroy the entire world. Whilst Jane tries her best to evade the men in black, Toast is about to perform an outdoor version of 'The Scottish Play', directed by acclaimed theatrical director Peggy Plywood (Charlotte Cornwell). Treading the boards with Ray Purchase is testing enough but when Toast discovers the performance is going to be broadcast live on ITV, he is overcome with a debilitating bout of stage fright. Ed and Mrs P are on hand to help but it might take someone with a bit more gusto to shake Toast out of it.

Toast's flatmate Ed (Robert Bathurst) is dating Penvelope, a former beauty queen, and finalist from 'the really famous international beauty contest for women they used to have in the 70s'. Toast, who has been in a romantic slump, is rather excited to go on a double date with Penvelope's friend Clancy Moped, a weather girl! Toast's budding romance with Clancy is thrown into jeopardy when he and Ed are asked to judge the international beauty contest for women, now driven underground due to the rise of feminism. It all starts to look a bit dodgy when they're collected by the host, Vic Titball (Paul Whitehouse) in his mud spattered pick up truck.

Toast starts his day by falling through the stairs outside his bedroom and straight through the kitchen ceiling. Refusing to go to hospital he insists that just wearing a bandage on his head will suffice. Later, he's unimpressed to hear that his agent Jane is meeting the Mad Men star Jon Hamm (played by himself), and insists that charisma is a 'complete myth'. But when Toast meets Hamm, everything changes. It seems Hamm's charisma is far from myth and leaves Toast immune to the charms of increasingly forward actress and model Pooky Hook (Heida Reed). Things come to a head when Toast and his brother Blair have to visit their dying father (Brian Blessed) in his castle to find out who will inherit the Toast fortune.

Persuaded by Jane at the promise of a potential role as the 'British Attach' in Kevin Spacey's House of Cards, Toast takes part in a Royal Variety Performance hosted by Bob Monkhouse. Whilst Toast is trying to cope with Monkhouse's constant jokes and the strain of working with Ray Purchase yet again, Scramble Studio's Danny Bear is getting ready for a life changing operation. When it's time to go under the knife however it seems Ed's recommended 'surgeon' may cut a few corners to save a bob or two, and although Toast's legendary Sand Dance performance might go well he still doesn't have a clue what Monkhouse is on about.

Toast and Ed are tasked with collecting legendary actor, and drinker, Ormond Sacker (Timothy West) from rehab. After a number of failed attempts things begin to look up when Sacker is cast alongside Toast in West End play 'Man of Sex'. Toast meanwhile is dating Varrity Map, a doctor of drumming, and despite his ex wife Ellen bringing out an autobiography, he is determined to not be effected by her no doubt slanderous comments about him. But when Varrity's rhythm starts to grow irritating and Sacker succumbs to the booze after the opening night, Toast has to deal not only with his nemesis Ray Purchase but Ray's 'even worse' twin brother.

You know what they say, 'an actor cannot truly call himself an actor until he's performed at the Globe'. That, and never work with animals. London is having the hottest weather since weather began, Ed's Australian nephew has come to say, and the latest fad of 'Blue Spruce' furniture is spreading like wild fire. When Toast begs Jane to get him in at the Globe Theatre, he's less than impressed with the director, Daz Klondyke, who's rumoured to be the hottest thing in UK theatre. However when he's cast in Klondyke's all dog version of Twelfth Night, it's not long before Toast gets his fingers burnt as he tries to become a real actor.