Alan Harper - Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Main cast, played by Jon Cryer

Episode 1x01: Pilot (Sep 22, 2003)
Episode 1x02: Big Flappy Bastards (Sep 29, 2003)
Episode 1x03: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (Oct 6, 2003)
Episode 1x04: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap (Oct 13, 2003)
Episode 1x05: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump (Oct 20, 2003)
Episode 1x06: Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? (Oct 27, 2003)
Episode 1x07: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (Nov 3, 2003)
Episode 1x08: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful (Nov 10, 2003)
Episode 1x09: Phase One, Complete (Nov 17, 2003)
Episode 1x10: Merry Thanksgiving (Nov 24, 2003)
Episode 1x11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (Dec 15, 2003)
Episode 1x12: Camel Filters + Pheromones (Jan 5, 2004)
Episode 1x13: Sarah Like Puny Alan (Jan 12, 2004)
Episode 1x14: I Can't Afford Hyenas (Feb 2, 2004)
Episode 1x15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1) (Feb 9, 2004)
Episode 1x16: That Was Saliva, Alan (2) (Feb 16, 2004)
Episode 1x17: Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats (Feb 23, 2004)
Episode 1x18: An Old Flame with a New Wick (Mar 1, 2004)
Episode 1x19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You (Mar 22, 2004)
Episode 1x20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (Apr 19, 2004)
Episode 1x21: No Sniffing, No Wowing (May 3, 2004)
Episode 1x22: My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet (May 10, 2004)
Episode 1x23: Just Like Buffalo (May 17, 2004)
Episode 1x24: Can You Feel My Finger? (May 24, 2004)
Episode 2x01: Back Off, Mary Poppins (Sep 20, 2004)
Episode 2x02: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (Sep 27, 2004)
Episode 2x03: A Bag Full of Jawea (Oct 4, 2004)
Episode 2x04: Go Get Mommy's Bra (Oct 11, 2004)
Episode 2x05: Bad News from the Clinic? (Oct 18, 2004)
Episode 2x06: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance (Oct 25, 2004)
Episode 2x07: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (Nov 8, 2004)
Episode 2x08: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (Nov 15, 2004)
Episode 2x09: Yes, Monsignor (Nov 22, 2004)
Episode 2x10: The Salmon Under My Sweater (Nov 29, 2004)
Episode 2x11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos (Dec 13, 2004)
Episode 2x12: A Lung Full of Alan (Jan 3, 2005)
Episode 2x13: Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Jan 17, 2005)
Episode 2x14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconuts (Jan 31, 2005)
Episode 2x15: Smell the Umbrella Stand (Feb 7, 2005)
Episode 2x16: Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (Feb 14, 2005)
Episode 2x17: Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! (Feb 21, 2005)
Episode 2x18: It was 'Mame,' Mom (Mar 7, 2005)
Episode 2x19: A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise (Mar 21, 2005)
Episode 2x20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey (Apr 18, 2005)
Episode 2x21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On (May 2, 2005)
Episode 2x22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother (May 9, 2005)
Episode 2x23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab (May 16, 2005)
Episode 2x24: Does This Smell Funny to You? (May 23, 2005)
Episode 3x01: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts (Sep 19, 2005)
Episode 3x02: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (Sep 26, 2005)
Episode 3x03: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark (Oct 3, 2005)
Episode 3x04: Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (Oct 10, 2005)
Episode 3x05: We Called It Mr. Pinky (Oct 17, 2005)
Episode 3x06: Hi, Mr. Horned One (Oct 24, 2005)
Episode 3x07: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (Nov 7, 2005)
Episode 3x08: That Voodoo That I Do Do (Nov 14, 2005)
Episode 3x09: Madame and Her Special Friend (Nov 21, 2005)
Episode 3x10: Something Salted and Twisted (Nov 28, 2005)
Episode 3x11: Santa's Village of the Damned (Dec 19, 2005)
Episode 3x12: That Special Tug (Jan 9, 2006)
Episode 3x13: Humiliation Is a Visual Medium (Jan 23, 2006)
Episode 3x14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded (Feb 6, 2006)
Episode 3x15: My Tongue Is Meat (Feb 27, 2006)
Episode 3x16: Ergo, the Booty Call (Mar 6, 2006)
Episode 3x17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauser (Mar 13, 2006)
Episode 3x18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler (Mar 20, 2006)
Episode 3x19: Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (Apr 10, 2006)
Episode 3x20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (Apr 24, 2006)
Episode 3x21: And the Plot Moistens (May 1, 2006)
Episode 3x22: Just Once with Aunt Sophie (May 8, 2006)
Episode 3x23: Arguments for the Quickie (May 15, 2006)
Episode 3x24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (May 22, 2006)
Episode 4x01: Working for Caligula (Sep 18, 2006)
Episode 4x02: Who's Vod Kanockers? (Sep 25, 2006)
Episode 4x03: The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress (Oct 2, 2006)
Episode 4x04: A Pot Smoking Monkey (Oct 9, 2006)
Episode 4x05: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (Oct 16, 2006)
Episode 4x06: Apologies for the Frivolity (Oct 23, 2006)
Episode 4x07: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head (Nov 6, 2006)
Episode 4x08: Release the Dogs (Nov 13, 2006)
Episode 4x09: Corey's Been Dead for an Hour (Nov 20, 2006)
Episode 4x10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln (Nov 27, 2006)
Episode 4x11: Walnuts and Demerol (Dec 11, 2006)
Episode 4x12: Castrating Sheep in Montana (Jan 8, 2007)
Episode 4x13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer (Jan 22, 2007)
Episode 4x14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (Feb 5, 2007)
Episode 4x15: My Damn Stalker (Feb 12, 2007)
Episode 4x16: Young People Have Phlegm Too (Feb 19, 2007)
Episode 4x17: I Merely Slept with a Commie (Feb 26, 2007)
Episode 4x18: It Never Rains in Hooterville (Mar 19, 2007)
Episode 4x19: Smooth As a Ken Doll (Apr 9, 2007)
Episode 4x20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (Apr 16, 2007)
Episode 4x21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (Apr 23, 2007)
Episode 4x22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag (Apr 30, 2007)
Episode 4x23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin (May 7, 2007)
Episode 4x24: Prostitutes and Gelato (May 14, 2007)
Episode 5x01: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (Sep 24, 2007)
Episode 5x02: Media Room Slash Dungeon (Oct 1, 2007)
Episode 5x03: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo (Oct 8, 2007)
Episode 5x04: City of Great Racks (Oct 15, 2007)
Episode 5x05: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (Oct 22, 2007)
Episode 5x06: Help Daddy Find His Toenail (Oct 29, 2007)
Episode 5x07: Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room (Nov 5, 2007)
Episode 5x08: Is There a Mrs. Waffles? (Nov 12, 2007)
Episode 5x09: Tight's Good (Nov 19, 2007)
Episode 5x10: Kinda Like Necrophilia (Nov 26, 2007)
Episode 5x11: Meander to Your Dander (Mar 17, 2008)
Episode 5x12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh (Mar 24, 2008)
Episode 5x13: The Soil Is Moist (Mar 31, 2008)
Episode 5x14: Winky-Dink Time (Apr 14, 2008)
Episode 5x15: Rough Night in Hump Junction (Apr 21, 2008)
Episode 5x16: Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty (Apr 28, 2008)
Episode 5x17: Fish in a Drawer (May 5, 2008)
Episode 5x18: If My Hole Could Talk (May 12, 2008)
Episode 5x19: Waiting for the Right Snapper (May 19, 2008)
Episode 6x01: Taterhead Is Our Love Child (Sep 22, 2008)
Episode 6x02: Pie Hole, Herb (Sep 29, 2008)
Episode 6x03: Damn You, Eggs Benedict (Oct 6, 2008)
Episode 6x04: The Flavin' and the Mavin' (Oct 13, 2008)
Episode 6x05: A Jock Strap in Hell (Oct 20, 2008)
Episode 6x06: It's Always Nazi Week (Nov 3, 2008)
Episode 6x07: Best H.O. Money Can Buy (Nov 10, 2008)
Episode 6x08: Pinocchio's Mouth (Nov 17, 2008)
Episode 6x09: The Mooch at the Boo (Nov 24, 2008)
Episode 6x10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited (Dec 8, 2008)
Episode 6x11: The Devil's Lube (Dec 15, 2008)
Episode 6x12: Thank God for Scoliosis (Jan 12, 2009)
Episode 6x13: I Think You Offended Don (Jan 19, 2009)
Episode 6x14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie (Feb 2, 2009)
Episode 6x15: I'd Like to Start with the Cat (Feb 9, 2009)
Episode 6x16: She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime (Mar 2, 2009)
Episode 6x17: The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? (Mar 9, 2009)
Episode 6x18: My Son's Enormous Head (Mar 16, 2009)
Episode 6x19: The Two Finger Rule (Mar 30, 2009)
Episode 6x20: Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau (Apr 13, 2009)
Episode 6x21: Above Exalted Cyclops (Apr 27, 2009)
Episode 6x22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box (May 4, 2009)
Episode 6x23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth (May 11, 2009)
Episode 6x24: Baseball with Better Steroids (May 18, 2009)
Episode 7x01: 818-jklpuzo (Sep 21, 2009)
Episode 7x02: Whipped Unto the Third Generation (Sep 28, 2009)
Episode 7x03: Mmm, Fish. Yum. (Oct 5, 2009)
Episode 7x04: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator (Oct 12, 2009)
Episode 7x05: For the Sake of the Child (Oct 19, 2009)
Episode 7x06: Give Me Your Thumb (Nov 2, 2009)
Episode 7x07: Untainted by Filth (Nov 9, 2009)
Episode 7x08: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. (Nov 16, 2009)
Episode 7x09: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair (Nov 23, 2009)
Episode 7x10: That's Why They Call It Ball Room (Dec 7, 2009)
Episode 7x11: Warning, It's Dirty (Dec 14, 2009)
Episode 7x12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (Jan 11, 2010)
Episode 7x13: Yay, No Polyps! (Jan 18, 2010)
Episode 7x14: Crude and Uncalled For (Feb 1, 2010)
Episode 7x15: Aye, Aye, Captain (Feb 8, 2010)
Episode 7x16: Tinkle Like a Princess (Mar 1, 2010)
Episode 7x17: I Found Your Moustache (Mar 8, 2010)
Episode 7x18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day (Mar 22, 2010)
Episode 7x19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave (Apr 12, 2010)
Episode 7x20: I Called Him Magoo (May 10, 2010)
Episode 7x21: Gumby with a Pokey (May 17, 2010)
Episode 7x22: This Is Not Gonna End Well (May 24, 2010)
Episode 8x01: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud (Sep 20, 2010)
Episode 8x02: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer (Sep 27, 2010)
Episode 8x03: A Pudding-Filled Cactus (Oct 4, 2010)
Episode 8x04: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers (Oct 11, 2010)
Episode 8x05: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel (Oct 18, 2010)
Episode 8x06: Twanging Your Magic Clanger (Oct 25, 2010)
Episode 8x07: The Crazy Bitch Gazette (Nov 1, 2010)
Episode 8x08: Springtime on a Stick (Nov 8, 2010)
Episode 8x09: A Good Time in Central Africa (Nov 15, 2010)
Episode 8x10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop (Nov 22, 2010)
Episode 8x11: Dead from the Waist Down (Dec 6, 2010)
Episode 8x12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead (Dec 13, 2010)
Episode 8x13: Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup (Jan 3, 2011)
Episode 8x14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs (Jan 17, 2011)
Episode 8x15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak (Feb 7, 2011)
Episode 8x16: That Darn Priest (Feb 14, 2011)
Episode 9x01: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (Sep 19, 2011)
Episode 9x02: People Who Love Peepholes (Sep 26, 2011)
Episode 9x03: Big Girls Don't Throw Food (Oct 3, 2011)
Episode 9x04: Nine Magic Fingers (Oct 10, 2011)
Episode 9x05: A Giant Cat Holding a Churro (Oct 17, 2011)
Episode 9x06: The Squat and the Hover (Oct 24, 2011)
Episode 9x07: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets (Oct 31, 2011)
Episode 9x08: Thank You for the Intercourse (Nov 7, 2011)
Episode 9x09: Frodo's Headshots (Nov 14, 2011)
Episode 9x10: A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes (Nov 21, 2011)
Episode 9x11: What a Lovely Landing Strip (Dec 5, 2011)
Episode 9x12: One False Move, Zimbabwe! (Dec 12, 2011)
Episode 9x13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion (Jan 2, 2012)
Episode 9x14: A Possum on Chemo (Jan 16, 2012)
Episode 9x15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack (Feb 6, 2012)
Episode 9x16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy (Feb 13, 2012)
Episode 9x17: Not in My Mouth! (Feb 20, 2012)
Episode 9x18: The War Against Gingivitis (Feb 27, 2012)
Episode 9x19: Palmdale, Ech (Mar 19, 2012)
Episode 9x20: Grandma's Pie (Apr 9, 2012)
Episode 9x21: Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' (Apr 16, 2012)
Episode 9x22: Why We Gave Up Women (Apr 30, 2012)
Episode 9x23: The Straw in My Donut Hole (May 7, 2012)
Episode 9x24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! (May 14, 2012)
Episode 10x01: I Changed My Mind About the Milk (Sep 27, 2012)
Episode 10x02: A Big Bag of Dog (Oct 4, 2012)
Episode 10x03: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt (Oct 11, 2012)
Episode 10x04: You Do Know What the Lollipop's For (Oct 18, 2012)
Episode 10x05: That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam (Oct 25, 2012)
Episode 10x06: Ferrets, Attack! (Nov 1, 2012)
Episode 10x07: Avoid the Chinese Mustard (Nov 8, 2012)
Episode 10x08: Something My Gynecologist Said (Nov 15, 2012)
Episode 10x09: I Scream When I Pee (Nov 29, 2012)
Episode 10x10: One Nut Johnson (Dec 6, 2012)
Episode 10x11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole (Dec 13, 2012)
Episode 10x12: Welcome to Alancrest (Jan 3, 2013)
Episode 10x13: Grab a Feather and Get in Line (Jan 10, 2013)
Episode 10x14: Run, Steven Staven! Run! (Jan 31, 2013)
Episode 10x15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It (Feb 7, 2013)
Episode 10x16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby (Feb 14, 2013)
Episode 10x17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries (Feb 21, 2013)
Episode 10x18: The 9:04 from Pemberton (Mar 7, 2013)
Episode 10x19: Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon (Mar 14, 2013)
Episode 10x20: Bazinga! That's from a TV Show (Apr 4, 2013)
Episode 10x21: Another Night with Neil Diamond (Apr 25, 2013)
Episode 10x22: My Bodacious Vidalia (May 2, 2013)
Episode 10x23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped (May 9, 2013)
Episode 11x01: Nangnangnangnang (Sep 26, 2013)
Episode 11x02: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball (Oct 3, 2013)
Episode 11x03: This Unblessed Biscuit (Oct 10, 2013)
Episode 11x04: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank (Oct 17, 2013)
Episode 11x05: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 (Oct 24, 2013)
Episode 11x06: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants (Nov 7, 2013)
Episode 11x07: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie (Nov 14, 2013)
Episode 11x08: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. (Nov 21, 2013)
Episode 11x09: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer (Dec 5, 2013)
Episode 11x10: On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! (Dec 12, 2013)
Episode 11x11: Tazed in the Lady Nuts (Jan 2, 2014)
Episode 11x12: Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. (Jan 9, 2014)
Episode 11x13: Bite Me, Supreme Court (Jan 30, 2014)
Episode 11x14: Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe (Feb 6, 2014)
Episode 11x15: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin (Feb 27, 2014)
Episode 11x16: How to Get Rid of Alan Harper (Mar 6, 2014)
Episode 11x17: Welcome Home, Jake (Mar 13, 2014)
Episode 11x18: West Side Story (Apr 3, 2014)
Episode 11x19: Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang (Apr 10, 2014)
Episode 11x20: Lotta Delis in Little Armenia (Apr 24, 2014)
Episode 11x21: Dial 1-900-Mix-a-Lot (May 1, 2014)
Episode 11x22: Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead (May 8, 2014)
Episode 12x01: The Ol' Mexican Spinach (Oct 30, 2014)
Episode 12x02: A Chic Bar in Ibiza (Nov 6, 2014)
Episode 12x03: Glamping in a Yurt (Nov 13, 2014)
Episode 12x04: Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight (Nov 20, 2014)
Episode 12x05: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. (Nov 27, 2014)
Episode 12x06: Alan Shot a Little Girl (Dec 4, 2014)
Episode 12x07: Sex with an Animated Ed Asner (Dec 11, 2014)
Episode 12x08: Family, Bublé, Deep-fried Turkey (Dec 18, 2014)
Episode 12x09: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey (Jan 8, 2015)
Episode 12x10: Here I Come, Pants! (Jan 15, 2015)
Episode 12x11: For Whom the Booty Calls (Jan 22, 2015)
Episode 12x12: A Beer-Battered Rip-Off (Jan 29, 2015)
Episode 12x13: Boompa Loved His Hookers (Feb 5, 2015)
Episode 12x14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun (Feb 12, 2015)
Episode 12x15: Of Course He's Dead - Part One (Feb 19, 2015)
Episode 12x16: Of Course He's Dead - Part Two (Feb 19, 2015)