The Reluctant Vampire Recap

In an old manor, an alarm goes off. Vampire Donald Longtooth shuts it off and puts in his fangs, then emerges from his coffin. Donald gets up and turns on the radio, and is startled to hear an interview with Rupert Von Helsing, a vampire hunter for the last 50 years. Rupert insists that vampires are real and drink human blood to stay alive. Disgusted, Donald turns off the radio and goes to work... as a night watchman at a blood bank.

At the blood bank, the manager, Mr. Crosswhite, is demanding answers. He tells his secretary Sally that their blood supply is at an all-time low. Donald comes in as Crosswhite tells Sally to find out the reason for the loss or she's fired. He listens as Crosswhite demands sexual favors in return for her job, and abruptly tells Crosswhite to leave her alone. Crosswhite reminds him that his job depends on his behavior, and Donald quickly gives in.

Later, Sally prepares to leave for the night. Donald assures her that everything will turn out fine, and Sally thanks him for standing up for her. He talks about how he never liked hunting, and Sally assures him that he's just sensitive, and she finds sensitive sexy. Startled, Donald says that he has to go and turns down Sally's offer of company. He turns his back before Sally can see his fangs as his hunger takes hold, and Sally leaves for the night.

Once Sally leaves, goes, Donald enters the blood bank vault, laughing in triumph, and mixes himself a blood martini. The vampire then goes to alter the record book to cover his theft but discovers that Crosswhite has taken it home with him. Donald realizes that he has to do something to solve the problem even if he hates himself in the morning.

An old lady is taking her dog Cuddles for a walk. Donald approaches from the shadows, but realizes that he can't kill the woman. A mugger assaults the lady, who kicks him in the groin and walks off. Donald grabs the mugger and drains his blood into a bottle. Once Donald has squeezed all of his blood out, he goes back and replaces the blood that he stole. Sally comes in early and Donald quickly hides the jar and goes to greet her. He assures her that the blood is fine, and Sally takes his hands and asks if there's something wrong with her. Donald assures her that she's attractive, and Sally wonders if there's something wrong with him. They hug and he starts to lose control. Donald hastily covers his fangs before Sally can see them.

At the police station, the lieutenant in charge of the mugger's death is reviewing the evidence when Rupert comes in. He introduces himself and warns that the city will soon be awash in blood. He shows the lieutenant photos of other vampire victims, and the lieutenant realizes that Rupert is the guy on the radio. Rupert convinces the lieutenant to let him see the body, and points out a puncture above the jugular. The lieutenant isn't convinced and leaves.

That night before closing, Crosswhite tells his employees that he's scaling back the business and he's firing most of them at the end of the month. They need at least twice their current daily intake to keep everyone. Sally approaches Crosswhite privately and says that they need their jobs, and Crosswhite reminds her of his earlier offer. Disgusted, she walks off as Donald overhears the entire thing.

Once everyone has left, Donald tells his pet rat Leopold that his entire life has been killing until he got a job at the blood bank. He doesn't want to go back to the stalking life sucking on the streets again. Donald figures that he can kill one more criminal, and is soon taking a bite out of crime. As Donald replenishes the blood bank supplies, he takes a little for himself.

The newspapers are reporting the rash of bloodless corpses. Meanwhile, Crosswhite tells his employees that they are back in business. Sally hugs Donald, who manages to hold back his bloodlust.

Rupert visits the lieutenant with an international bill of lading. It shows a shipment of Carpathian loam, and Rupert points out that it was delivered to an address near all of the homicides. The lieutenant, intrigued despite himself, agrees to go there with Rupert.

Donald returns home and Crosswhite emerges from a shadow holding a gun. He's realized that Donald is the thief and a vampire, and explains that they were never in danger of going bankrupt. Crosswhite did the entire thing to see how productive Donald could be, and now he has plans for the vampire. Donald points out that bullets are useless against him, but Crosswhite uses a squirt gun to shoot holy water, stinging him. The vampire warns that he's running out of criminals and refuses to kill again. Crosswhite threatens to expose him to the world, and Donald agrees.

Sally steps out of an iron maiden, having overheard the entire thing, and explains that she followed Crosswhite there. She's long realized that Donald was a vampire and it makes him kind of sexy. Crosswhite isn't impressed and says that he and Sally are going to have a love affair unless she wants him to expose Donald's true nature. Sally and Donald both agree to Crosswhite's demands, and Donald pulls down his sleepaway coffin... right on Crosswhite's head.

Donald prepares to feed on Crosswhite as Sally watches, but they hear someone break in upstairs. The vampire puts the unconscious Crosswhite in the coffin to hide him and pulls it back into the wall. He and Sally hide, and Rupert, the lieutenant, and his men come in. Rupert finds the coffin and prepares to drive a wooden stake into Crosswhite's chest. Crosswhite wakes up and the lieutenant realizes that he's alive, but Rupert drives the stake in. He says that it had to be done and leaves, and the police go with him.

Once everyone has gone, Donald and Sally admit that it was horrible. Sally points out that it was also exciting and asks Donald to make her a vampire. They vow to be together forever as Donald bites her.

Written by Gadfly on Sep 19, 2016