Carpenter runs into Binghamton's office and wakes up his dozing superior him that "boy admiral" Go-Go Granger is flying in that afternoon. Binghamton figures that if anyone can impress Granger with his vigor then it's him. He insists that he's reaching the peak of his manhood, and tells Carpenter to take command while he goes out on maneuver to impress Granger. Carpenter warns that everyone is out except PT-73, and Binghamton figures that if Granger sees him with the "pirates" then he'll know that he's made of steel. While Carpenter goes to give McHale the news, Binghamton gets out his combat gear.
Later, Binghamton and Carpenter approach McHale and Parker as they get into the skiff. Binghamton is holding his rifle and tells McHale that he's taking over the 73 and they're going out on maneuvers. Carpenter is eager to explain until Binghamton dismisses him, and the captain admits that he's stuck with the 73. They go to McHale's island and spot the crew coming out of the jungle carrying baskets. McHale goes over and discovers that they're filling coconut shells with 100-proof alcohol they've made. He figures that they're back in the booze business, just as Binghamton comes over. McHale covers for the crew, claiming that they were gathering coconuts, and Parker drinks the "coconut oil." After he yanks the coconut away from Parker, they head out in the 73.
Out on the oceans, Binghamton orders the crew to assault Dead Man's Cove. It's on Granger's flight plan, and Binghamton wants the admiral to see him toughening up the troops. McHale warns that the cove is filled with rocks. They land and Binghamton run ahead of the crew. Their still is there, and McHale claims that there are booby traps and they have to circle the enemy. Binghamton ignores him and continues on, just as a Zero flies at them. Everyone else takes cover, and Binghamton figures that it's Granger's plane and waves to it. The Zero opens fire and Binghamton takes cover. McHale gets the crew back to the boat, leaving Binghamton behind... with Parker. They run into each other and knock themselves out, and the Zero opens fire again. It misses them and hits the still tank.
Parker wakes up and tells Binghamton that it's clear, but Binghamton is too tired to go on. The ensign drags Binghamton to a nearby stream to get him some water... unaware that the still has leaked into it. They both guzzle it down and feel much better.
The 73 pulls out and McHale worries that Parker and Binghamton could be hurt.
Binghamton and Parker get drunk on the spiked water and start splashing each other. The crew lands and finds them, and Parker dams the stream... and drops a rock on Binghamton's head. Gruber confirms the still is pouring into the stream, and they get Parker and Binghamton out of the water. Binghamton says that he feels like a teenager and wants to know why. Rather than let him find out about the still, Gruber says that it's the Fountain of Wacky Packy: the "Fountain of Youth." McHale plays along and warns that the natives will kill them if they find them taking their water. Binghamton tells them to fill their canteens and the crew has no choice but to do so.
Back at the base, Carpenter greets the returning 73 and tells Binghamton that Granger sent a message. He won't be coming because of the enemy aircraft in the area, but Binghamton says that he'll get him back by telling him about the Fountain. He tells the crew that they'll be confined to the base and has Carpenter order the Marines in to guard them.
Carpenter gets the drunken Binghamton to his office and then goes to the radio shack. Binghamton passes out and the crew peer in through the window. A hungover Parker comes by and complains that he feels 160 years old, and McHale gets an idea. They enter the office and make up Binghamton with a beard and grey hair. When Carpenter comes back, the crew hides in the next room. Carpenter screams in shock, waking Binghamton up, and Binghamton stares in shock at himself in the mirror.
Binghamton discovers that his canteen is empty, just as McHale and Gruber run in. McHale says that they're too late and explains that the witch doctor said that they were drinking from the wrong Fountain. Binghamton drank from the Fountain of Old Age, Cacky Dacky. They call in Parker, who is made up to look even older. McHale suggests that Binghamton release them so that they can go back to the island and get the witch doctor to cure Binghamton, and Binghamton agrees.
Outside, the crew comes to attention as Granger arrives. He goes in as the crew warn McHale through the window. McHale hides Parker and Granger comes in, and he wonders if Binghamton has been drinking. Binghamton starts rambling about the Fountains, and McHale tells Granger that Binghamton has been working hard recently. Granger figures that Binghamton is making fun of his youth program, and Binghamton goes to get Parker and prove that he's telling the truth. Parker has removed the makeup, and Granger yanks off the fake beard. He figures that Binghamton is impersonating the real Binghamton, and McHale insists that Binghamton doesn't drink on duty... just as Carpenter comes in with one of the canteens with the water. Granter smells the alcohol and demands to talk to Binghamton privately.
Later, the crew goes back to the island to repair the still. Binghamton and Carpenter arrive, and McHale claims that they were refining more coconut oil for their machineguns. Binghamton pours himself a ladle of the still's contents... and discovers that it is oil.
Written by Gadfly on Dec 20, 2016