Kiss 'N Tell

Hello once again, ladies and gentleman, it's me, it's me, it's that D-E-E-P-T-H-R-O-A-T to the G-H-O-U-L, and I am going to discuss the fourth episode of the Legend of Zelda cartoon show, "Kiss 'N Tell" (written by Phil Harnage). Let's just skip over the intro and the "Excuse me Princess!", and we're just about here.

The episode begins with Princess Zelda riding through the forest, complaining that Link should be joining her instead of having a nice lie-in in his bed. As she bites into an apple (which isn't poisonous), Zelda hears a cry for help and heads off to investigate. We then see a lovely brunette maiden cornered by a Gleeok (which is the first level boss in the first Zelda game, and can talk BTW), and we soon find out that it's a set-up for a trap. The maiden calls out for a handsome hero to rescue her, but never mind that, here comes Zelda, who then proceeds to kick the Gleeok's butt with a basket of fruit. She starts off by throwing a grapefruit right into the Gleeok's middle head's mouth, prompting it to complain that it just got heartburn, when in reality, grapefruit actually helps cure heartburn. Next up, Zelda throws two lemons into the mouths of the Gleeok's left and right heads, then the maiden starts giving out about wanting to be rescued by handsome heroes, not other beautiful maidens, prompting Zelda to snark "Well hey, pardon me!" while doing a backflip to avoid getting roasted by the Gleeok's fire breath, and catapulting the basket off a tree and right at the Gleeok, stunning it.

Zelda runs over to get the maiden to safety, but the maiden refuses to budge until a handsome hero shows up and saves her. And believe it or not, Link finally shows up, as the maiden snarks that it's about time he got here, and Zelda agrees that it's about time he got up. Link winks with an "Oink" sound effect, and the Gleeok is happy to see him here at last. If there's one thing you can to to your body, like every time I smile, I get a "Ding!", or like how Link just winked with an "Oink!". Even better, if I did something cool, I should get the PlayStation trophy achievement sound. Anyways, Link avoids the Gleeok's fire breath and shoots its left and right heads with his sword. You know, as goofy as Link is in this cartoon, the writers make him do some pretty cool stuff in this, such as holding on to the Gleeok's tail, as the monster spins around, but Zelda stops that momentum by eating a banana and throwing the banana skin for the Gleeok to slip on, and Link to finish it off with his sword. Upon dying, the Gleeok says "Oh well, did my part."

After the fight is over, Link is congratulated by the maiden for saving her, and will reward him with a kiss. Link tells Zelda to watch and learn, Zelda sticks out her tongue, and Link kisses the maiden. But then, after a bright flash, the maiden is revealed to actually be a Gibdo (which is also from the first Zelda game), and Link has been turned into a frog! The Gibdo, with evil red eyes, gloats that Ganon's plan worked perfectly. Link tries to grab his sword, but discovers that his hands are now webbed and weird! But luckily, Zelda easily defeats the Gibdo by spinning it until it dies! While we're on the subject of red eyes, I've had bloodshot eyes three or four times in the past in my mid teens to early 20's.

Meanwhile, in his underground lair, Ganon congratulates the Gibdo and the Gleeok for doing their parts flawlessly as they float around in his jar, and then proceeds to head off and capture Zelda by teleporting.

Back up on the surface, Link is devastated to see his new frog form when he looks at his reflection in the lake, and Zelda hugs him, assuring that she'll always be his friend no matter what. I think Zelda needs to kiss Link to break the spell. Anyway, Ganon watches this sickenly sweet embrace from his cave entrance. Right now, Ganon could just kill them both by zapping them right now as they hug, but he doesn't. Now, what I see happening here is Ganon killing Link and eating his legs for dinner. Add that to the pile of Legend of Zelda Animated alternate endings! Man, I should be a writer! What actually happens here is, Ganon knocks out Link with his magic, leaves two Deelers to finish him off, captures Zelda with an Octorok, and then heads off back to his lair. But, because he's now a frog, Link wakes up and eats the two Deelers, but is then quickly disgusted by what he just did. Could've been worse, Link, those Deelers could've been poisonous.

Back at North Castle, Spryte proceeds to clean up Link's bedroom, as Link returns to show her his new frog look that Ganon gave him, and point out that Ganon has captured Zelda. As the two ponder on what to do, the Triforce of Wisdom chimes in by suggesting that Link and Spryte go find the Witch of Walls.

Sometime later, Link and Spryte find a diamond wall that has no end with an iron tree that can not bend, and they successfully find the Witch of Walls, who fits the bill for "Ugly People Day", so says Spryte. Now, one thing I've put off was that Link's frog voice has a nasal tone to it, like Jonathan Potts (the voice of Link) was probably told to hold his nose for his Frog Link lines. Anyways, the Witch of Walls tells Link that the only way to become human again is to be kissed by a princess of her own free will. Link complains that he's been trying to get Zelda to kiss him for so long, and that was when he didn't look like a frog. The Witch of Walls retorts that she said the cure is simple, not easy, as she returns to her wall.

Now then, we're only two thirds of the way through this episode, as in the underworld, Ganon tells a tied-up Zelda in his bedroom that her father will give him the Triforce of Wisdom in exchange for her safe return. Somewhere else in the lair, Link's frog state allows him to wall-crawl like Spider-Man. You know, Frog Link would be pretty useful in Zelda games, such as being able to climb walls, and use his tongue as a Hookshot. Upon hearing the noise, Ganon heads off to look for Link, stupidly shouting "Come out hero, you can not hide from me!" If you were a bad guy, would you tell the good guy that you're coming like he did? "I'm coming for you now!" feels great to say, though.

Link shoots down the door with his sword, then cuts Zelda free from her handcuffs, and people were pointing out "Hold on, he can get his sword out now, but he couldn't get it out when he was fighting the Gibdo!" Well, that's because he was shocked that his hands were all weird. Link pleads with Zelda to kiss him to break the spell. Although hesistant at first, Zelda agrees to do it. But before they can kiss, Link is zapped unconcious by Ganon, who takes the time to blow the smoke off his finger like a gunslinging cowboy, and then starts chasing Zelda around the room. As Link lies on the floor in pain, Spryte feels sorry for the young hero and kisses him on the cheek for having such a hard day. Holy plot twist Batman, Spryte's kiss turns Link back into a human! Happy that he's back to normal, Link gets up and zaps a curtain to fall on top of Ganon, and then shoots the floor underneath him, causing old Pig-Face himself to fall to his doom, while Link, Zelda, and Spryte make their grand escape after Link shoots a hole in the wall, leaving Ganon to snarl "I'll get you yet!" Link's sword is getting cooler and cooler, even moreso than the Master Sword. And thus, this is how Hyrule was saved time and time again.

As our heroes walk home, Link is puzzled about how Spryte's kiss cured him of Ganon's frog spell, and Spryte explains that her dad is the king of the faires, making her the princess. Link is glad he's not a frog anymore, and Zelda plans to reward him with a kiss for saving her. But unfortunately, Link screws himself over by seeing a fly and eating it as an old habit, prompting a disgusted Zelda to walk off with Link and Spryte following behind as Link tries to apologise for grossing Zelda out. The End.

Alright, there you go, that's all the Zelda cartoon episodes I've discussed. I hope you have enjoyed them. This is Deepthroat Ghoul, and I will see you next time!