The pirates bring tarp-covered equipment ashore from their ship, and Owen tries to cheer the survivors up. He suggests that they think of the pirates as their heavily-armed natives, just as the Barracuda comes over and says that they're taking the beach. She tells them to live on the worst part of the beach, and isn't impressed by their complaints. The Barracuda also demands Owen's shirt, and Owen figures that she's big doggin' him. He refuses for about three seconds and then hands it over.
The survivors go to the worst spot on the beast, and Bruce loans Owen a shirt. The pirates turn on the music and start partying, Owen figures that they can't party all day. The pirates party all day. And all night. And into the next day.
Danny sets up a mock grave to his father so he can be there. Steve comes over and figures that the sign "Dick Wallace" is referring to Danny. He yanks it up and Danny explains that he built it. Steve points out that if Danny's parents loved him more, they'd all be coming home. He figures that the others hate both of them and suggests that he and Danny team up. Steve starts describing his business idea for gogurt for risotto. Danny doesn't want to hear it and walks away.
The pirates continue partying, and Florence starts suffering from sleep deprivation. Pack says that he's going to negotiate with the pirates to get them to turn the music down. He tells the others that he was trained by Greta Liebowitz, the single greatest sports agent of all time. Greta taught Pack everything he knows. Pack goes over and asks if they could turn the speakers down for his friends. The Barracuda refuses, saying her men deserve R&R. She does like Pack's watch and tells him to hand it over along with the rest of his stuff.
The pirates take the survivors' luggage and everyone complains that Pack made things worse. Pack apologizes and says that his magic didn't work, He figures that he needs an ass in a hat, and finally works out that he means an ace in the hole.
Greta takes Pack with her to a meeting with Chris Bosh. Pack tries to charm Chris without success, and says that he needs reps who understand him. It doesn't go well, and Greta takes over and says that Chris is a samurai and needs a sword. She gives Chris a samurai sword, and Chris is duly impressed.
Pack says that they need to find a samurai sword.
Steve finds Danny and proposes pie lattes. Danny insists that he doesn't want to be business partners with Steve. Steve persists and spins more ideas, and Danny tells him that they're all bad ideas.
Karen tells the others that the music is scaring way the boars. If they don't convince the pirates to turn down the money, they'll starve to death. Todd comes out with his golf clubs that he hid, and says that in the real world they smash the windows of the people that bother them. The others agree to fight and Todd hands out golf clubs. Owen warns that if they fight then they'll die, but everyone would rather die fighting. Pack sees the clubs and gets an idea, and tells them that he has it.
Later, Pack goes to the camp with the golf clubs and offers the pirates the golf clubs. He says that they're the most valuable things on the island, and claims that they were once used by Tiger Woods. The pirates love Tiger and take the clubs. Pack tells the Barracuda that once they get the clubs out on the black market, they'll be famous. The Barracuda wonders why Pack has them, and he says that he knows all of the greats. He claims that he's Chris Bosh's agent, but they know that Greta is Chris' agent. They also know that Chris accidentally killed himself with the samurai sword. The sword was a fraud, and they sent Greta to jail.
Chet talks to Danny and talks about the pill from Limitless, and Danny admits that it would be cool. Steve jumps in and says that it was his idea, and Danny likes his idea but doesn't like him. Danny tells Steve that they'll never be partners because Steve is a murderer. Steve says that Danny murdered all of them and walks off, and Chet admits that Steve might be right before leaving.
Pack is grief-stricken, and the Barracuda says that they cut the tongue out of liars. She pulls a knife and asks if Steve has anything else to do, and Pack points out that they outnumber them five-to-one. He warns her that if she doesn't want an uprising then she should share the island. The Barracuda agrees to turn the music down, and he says that he can't go back to his people empty-handed..
Owen approaches Danny, who says that it's his fault they're stuck there. Unimpressed, Owen tells him that they will eventually escape on the pirate's boat, and it's there because of Danny. He tells Danny not to talk to Steve, and he's a really bad person with a perfect mustache. Danny goes over to where Steve is setting up the fake grave, and apologizes for saying that Danny is a murderer. When he starts to go, Danny says that his father thought he was an idiot, so to get revenge on him, Danny will invest in Steve's ideas if they get off the island.
Pack returns to the group with buckets of beer and everyone cheers. They realize that there's no more music, and Pack says that he threw his glasses in the ocean because he won't need them anymore. No one has any idea what he means.
Written by Gadfly on Jun 21, 2017