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No One Rides for Free Recap

Owen and Florence hug in relief and she starts coming on to him. She kisses him and pulls him down to the ground...

… and Owen wakes up from his dream as Karen tells him that the pirates returned their luggage and he has a boner. The survivors check their luggage and discover that the pirates took the valuables, The cut the nipples out of Owen's shirts, and Florence assures him that it's a good look. Danny and Pack watch, and Danny figures that they're flirting. Chet overhears him and asks if they're flirting, and Owen and Florence deny it.

Todd discovers that the pirates didn't find his sweat band, and Jess wonders why the pirates gave them their stuff back, and suggests that they might be living. She warns Todd that if the pirates leave hen the survivors will die on the island, and figures that she has to bang one of the pirates to keep them around.

As they go to the pirate camp, Todd refuses to let the pirates go near Jess. She says that one pirate, Tank Top, has been flirting with her. Todd wants to kill him, but Jess insists that it's just sex and doesn't matter.

Steve and the Barracuda have another round of sex, and the Barracuda immediately leaves. He suggests that inside she's very tender, and she says that she isn't. V-Neck comes in and sees them together, and tells the Barracuda that the buyer came through. The Barracuda tells Steve to get out.

Todd and Jess approach Tank Top and talk about how it looks like they're leaving. Tank Top has a lot of sorting what to do, and Jess flirts with him. He says that they're not going to get together, and she offers to have sex with him. Tank Top realizes that it's a reverse indecent proposal and says that he hasn't been flirting with Jess. Todd says that Jess thinks everyone flirts with her, and Tank Top tells them that he wants something different: a reverse reverse indecent proposal. He wants to both of them together.

Once they're alone, Todd tells Jess that Tank Top is playing mind games with them. He doesn't want to have a threesome with two men, but Jess tells him to man up and do it.

Owen and Florence get water and discuss how it was weird that people thought they were flirting. Steve comes over and asks to talk to Florence privately, but Owen refuses to go. He asks Florence what she would do if she wanted to take a relationship to the next level. Steve insists that someone on the island is having sex with him, and he just needs advice on the emotional front. Florence tells him that she probably wants Steve to tell her what he's feeling so she can know if her vibe is real. She suggests that Steve take his partner on a date, and he figures that he can take her on a picnic.

Jess is complaining to herself and imagines what the worse is that good happen with a threesome. She imagines Tank Top taking them into his tank and offering beer. He and Imaginary Todd hit it off and Imaginary Todd tells Jess that she can go because he doesn't love her. Jess screams at the image and realizes that they can't do it.

Todd imagines Jess doing it solo with Tank Top, and her telling him that Todd's dong is way bigger. Tank Top says that he'll kill both of them if Imaginary Jess doesn't have sex with him, and she says that we wants Todd or no one. Todd figures that he has to be there because Jess loves him too much. Jess runs over and says that they can't have a threesome, but Todd says that if he lets her go in there along then she'll be killed.

Steve takes the Barracuda into the jungle for a picnic. She agrees to give him five minutes and Steve offers her a rock with "cheese" written on it. The Barracuda agrees to have sex with him, but Steve says that he brought her there so that they could talk. He talks about how his ex used and abused him and he swore it wouldn't happen again, but he told the Barracuda so she'd let him in. She admires the fact that he doesn't give up, and V-Neck runs up and tells the Barracuda that the deal is ready to be finalized. The Barracuda thanks Steve for the cheese and leaves.

Jess tells Tank Top that they'll do it. He says that they'll need to make some rules, and Jess insists that they can't fall in love with each other. The two men, confused, agree, and Todd says that he humps Tank Top but Tank doesn't hump him. He wants to pick the music, but Jess argues until Tank Top says that he's down to clown and demonstrates.

They all go Tank Top's tent, and Jess and Todd strip. They ask him how to start, and he says that he just wants to watch. Tank Top wants them to all come together and tells the couple to get into each other's body. They don't know what he means, and Tank Top talks them through it. They're surprised to discover how turned on they are, and Tank Top joins them.

Steve takes flowers to the Barracuda and hears her talking to the buyer. She sells some of the survivors' organs off and says that the buyer can kill the rest. A pirate finds Steve eavesdropping and Steve falls into the tent. The Barracuda says that Steve is coming with them.

Todd and Jess admits that they never felt so close to each other. Tank Top tells them that Barracuda is going to round up their friends, sell their organs on the black market. However, he figures that Jess and Todd were good because they'll be on the boat with him and every day will be Tank Top Time.

Once they get dressed, Jess wants to tell everyone. Todd points out that they'll lose their place on the ship if they do, but Jess says what they did was special and Todd agrees. They then go to tell their friends that they're about to be murdered.

Danny finds Owen and Florence at the campfire, and Danny asks if there's something Owen would like to say to him. Owen tells him that they might be into each other, and Danny wans him that they'll make up and break up. As Owen explains that Florence told him the same thing, Jess and Todd warn up to warn them. Steve runs up and says the same thing, and breaks into tears as he admits that he's been sleeping with a monster. They figure that Steve is lying about having sex, but Karen points out that losing their kidneys is more important. Chet figures that they're all going to die and everyone panics.

Written by Gadfly on Jul 19, 2017

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