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Cruise-ifornication Recap

Three Years Ago

On an ocean liner, a Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute takes place on the Cruise-ifornication. Once Scottsdale's number one Chili Peppers tribute band finishes, The MC asks if everyone is having a good time. The audience cheers, and the Barracuda and the pirates board and take the ship.


The survivors board the ship and realize that the pirates took the tribute cruise. Todd is thrilled to see Cruise-Ifornication, since he was on a waiting list for three years. Bruce figures that he can pilot the ship, and needs a couple of men to get the engines running. Owen goes to help Florence search the decks because she's already waiting for him, and Danny says that he, Pack, and Bruce will be The Big Three.

Owen and Florence search below decks and find the pirate's weapons and jet skis.

Bruce starts up the engines and tells Pack and Danny what to do. They finally go full throttle

Todd tells the others that they're moving and they figure that they're going home. Chet comes out, having taken a shower, and everyone stares in awe. He explains that there's a shower in every cabin, and everyone runs to find them. Owen and Florence find a cabin together and kiss, and start to have sex. She says that she wants to scrub down first, and Owen admits that he needs to scrub down as well. Some of them take a shower. However, Owen discovers that there's no water in his cabin.

Owen goes to the main room and learns that the showers worked for some of them but not others. A showered Florence sees a dirty Owen and realizes that they're divided. Karen reports that the running water tanks are completely tapped out, and Chet says that there's plenty of bottled water. She tells him that water is for drinking, and tempers starts to flare. Owen says that they can't turn on each other now, and they should go down to the mess hall and get some food.

On the bridge, Bruce says that they should find an international shipping lane and flag down a ship. Danny talks about how they're like Vikings, and Bruce says that his sister-in-law is Indian. Pack is surprised that Bruce went to an Indian wedding, and the two of them bond.

The survivors find the canned food, and the showered Todd, Jess, and Chet figure that they should eat first because the dirty survivors could contaminate the food. The Cleans go through first and Florence joins them.

Danny looks on in dismay as Pack and Bruce discuss Indian weddings. When Danny tries to blend in, Pack objects to his generalizations and ask him to go down and get some grub. Bruce assures him that it's a two-man operation and the spacious bridge is getting crowded. Danny gets the hint and leaves.

The Cleans go to eat upstairs, and refuse to let the Dirties go with them. Todd finally says that they reek, He tells the Dirties that they're covered in filthy and he refuses to go back there. Florence hesitates and looks at Owen, but then goes with the other Cleans.

The Dirties eat by themselves, and realize that the Cleans took all of the utensils. Owen has enough and goes upstairs to get them silverware. He meets Danny in the hall, and Danny takes credit for getting the shipping going. Owen says that he has to get silverware from the Cleans.

Upstairs, Owen finds the Cleans eating and they tell him to go back to his own kind. Owen realizes that they're eating desserts and decided to horde them, and Chet tries to escort Owen out. They fight and Chet throws Owen into the table of desserts. Everyone laughs except Florence, and as Owen leaves Florence yells at them to shut up and runs off after Owen.

Danny sits down with Karen and complains that Owen is whipped, and he feels like the odd man out. He thanks Karen for listening, and she admits that she wasn't listening.

Owen tells Florence to leave him alone, and she hugs him and gets filthy all over her. He admits that it's better, and then says that he knows how to put an end to it and leads Florence off.

Pack tells Bruce that he was wrong about him, and if they hadn't landed on the island ten they wouldn't have gotten to know each other. Bruce says that the good thing about being on the island was that there weren't any Mexicans there, and Pack quickly leaves.

The Cleans enjoy themselves son the upper deck, and Owen throws fruit at Todd. He calls out the Dirties and they throw food at them as well. Soon everyone is covered in filth. Afterward, Owen tells Todd that they've come too far to be divided. Todd agrees and the other survivors bond. It starts raining and they realize that it's showers for everyone.

Written by Gadfly on Aug 2, 2017

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