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The Austere Academy: Part One Recap

In the sewers, Lemony emerges from a secret passageway and tells the audience that they shouldn't be in the dreadful story. He warns that everything about the Baudelaire situation is horrible to contemplate.

Poe tells Mr. Tamerlane over the phone that the story he's reading has a family that is pleasant to contemplate. He then returns to the story of the Baudelaires and the many things that they've seen. Poe explains that the orphans are obsessed with the idea that Count Olaf is stalking them, and he's dropped them off at the Prufrock Preparatory Scholl. Jacquelyn, Poe's secretary, hears him talking and types down the name and leaves.

At Prufrock, the Baudelaires sit outside the Administrator Office and discuss their dire straits. Carmelita Spats comes up to greet them and says that they're stupid cake-sniffers, and she's supposed to give them the tour.

Lemony says that school should be a safe place where one can meet new friends. However, unfortunately school is rarely like that. He says that Prufrock's motto is "Memento Mori".

Carmelita says that the coach is away and she gets to make everyone perform jumping tracks. Klaus translates the school motto as "Remember you will die".

Jacquelyn meets with Larry in the sewers and tells him to take a book, The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations, to the Baudelaires. Olaf watches from hiding as Larry says that he went to Prufrock and flippers away.

On the school bus, Coach Tench tells the athletes that they'll remember the day they beat another team at sports. Larry is standing in the middle of the road, forcing the bus driver to stop, and Larry comes aboard and says that he's a caterer and h is vehicle broke down. The bus stops again and the driver reports that they have a flat. Tench goes out to fix it and finds a hook in it, and Olaf and his group take her out. They throw everyone off the board and drive on, and Olaf says that he went to Prufrock. Larry hides in the back of the bus.

Carmelita avoids the library, and the school librarian Olivia Caliban comes out. She's impressed with Klaus' appreciation of the library, balances her books on her head, and invites them to come visit as she goes back in. Carmelita takes the Baudelaires to the administration office and "suggests" that they give their tour guide a trip. She kicks the door, and Vice Principal Nero stops his violin playing and comes out. Nero is furious that the Baudelaires are late and compliments Carmelita on her broach. He orders the Baudelaires into his office, stares at them, and goes back to his violin playing. When he finishes, he tells them that it's traditional to applaud and cheer. The Baudelaires do so, and Nero knows about their adversity. Klaus explains that Olaf is to blame, and Nero says that they're not allowed to blame their own problems on Olaf. He shows them the computer programmed to spot Olaf from their description and says that he'll put it outside of the door. Nero gives them a brochure of the dormitory but says that they have to have a permission slip to stay there and they don't have a parent or guardian. They'll have to live in a small tin shack until they get new orphans and they'll live in a broom closet. Violet will study with Mr. Remora and Klaus with Mrs. Bass, and Sunny will work as Nero's administrative assistant.

Once the Baudelaires leave, Isadora and Duncan Quagmire arrive in response to Nero's request. He tells the orphans that they'll be moving into a broom closet.

The bus arrives at Prufrock and Olaf's team emerges with what is left on the bus. Olaf goes onto the bus to find what he needs for his intricate scheme, and says that he knows Larry is hiding there somewhere. The count walks to the back of the bus and finds two pom-poms. Larry is clinging to the back of the bus, while Olaf sees the computer and realizes that things will be harder than he thought.

Olivia arrives at Nero's office and follows up on keeping the library open for more than ten minutes. Nero says that they spent the money on a ruby handle for his violin case, tells Olivia that he doesn't like her much, and shoves her and her book cart back. Larry comes in and discusses philosophy with Olivia, He asks about the Baudelaires, and Larry explains that he works in the cafeteria. Carmelita comes by and when Larry greets her, she kicks him in the shin and leaves. Larry knocks the book cart over on himself, and Olivia sees the Secret Organizations book he's carrying as he drops it. He goes to the school nurse, and Olivia puts the book on her cart and leaves.

At the very small tin shack, the Baudelaires discover that it's filled with crabs, fungus, and misinformation. Klaus laments their fate, and Violet reminds him that their parents were members of a secret organization and that might be why they keep having problems.

The next day, Remora welcomes Violet and tells anecdotes from his own life for language arts. in the next room, Bass welcomes Klaus. Isadora smiles at him, and Bass helpfully brings up how unhappy he must be without his parents. She continues her lesson on the metric system. Nero has Sunny type a letter to Julliard about their restraining order.

In phys ed, Carmelita has all of the students do jumping jacks. Olaf and his team hide under the bleachers and he says that it's just like when he was there. He figures that they need a student on the inside to help them get in, and compliments Carmelita on her broach. Carmelita is intrigued and Olaf asks her to meet him under the bleachers after school.

The Baudelaires meet for lunch and discuss their experiences. Larry pops up and they remember him as the waiter at Lake Lachrymose. He says that he has something for them, but realizes that he's lost the book. Carmelita shoves the Baudelaires out of the way and says that she doesn't have to wait in line like the others, and demands Larry's lunch. he gives the Baudelaires macaroni and cheese with boiled wieners before running off, and the Baudelaires give it a pass. Carmelita leads everyone in a chant against Baudelaires, until Duncan tells her to stop and invites the Baudelaires to seat with him and Isadora. They introduce themselves and the Quagmires explain that they lost their parents and their brother Quigley in a terrible fire. Isadora says that they taped metal to the bottom of their shacks to scare away the crabs. Carmelita taps over, and Violet asks everyone to empty their pockets to make something more annoying than tap shoes. Klaus and Isadora realize that they have the two halves of the spyglass, and Klaus says that they need to talk.

At the shack, Violet makes a light projector of fish to scare away the crabs. Isadora says that they have never seen Olaf but they have seen a lot of strange things. Violet starts up her projector, and Duncan has a sketch of the book. Klaus suggests that they go to the school library.

As the orphans arrive at the library, they find Olivia pushing Carmelita out of the office for killing a mockingbird. Once Olivia dismisses Carmelita, the orphans explain that they're looking for an important book. Olivia escorts them into the library and says that they have a few minutes until Nero arrives on his rounds. She sets a timer and looks up the book in the catalogue, but doesn't find it. Olivia offers them other Incomplete History books, and quotes a phrase that their father Jacques uses. The librarian doesn't remember where she heard it, and she suggests the orphans check with her in a few days. The timer goes off and Nero arrives, and tells the orphans to attend a mandatory meeting at the athletic field for a pep rally. The orphans go to the shack and the Baudelaires thank the Quagmires for making them feel at home.

Larry tries to pick the lock on the library's door. Carmelita finds him and threatens to tell Nero, unless Larry gives her something. She prepares to tell him what she really wants.

The Quagmires are walking down the hall and come across an undisguised Olaf. He wonders where Sunny is, and finally realizes that they are related to their mother. Olaf says that he knows everything about him, he'll get twice the fortune he anticipated, and no one can stop hm. Larry runs by chasing Carmelita, and Olaf hears him and recognizes his voice. The Quagmires slip away.

Nero prepares for the pep rally and doesn't realize that Olaf's people are infiltrating the campus as mascots and cheerleaders.

Carmelita confronts Larry and accuses him of mucking up her life for years. he doesn't know what she's telling about, and Olaf slips out to say that she's using his lines. Once Carmelita leaves, Larry says that the organization is one step ahead of him. He threatens Olaf with a water hose but it doesn't work. Larry says that "they" will kick him out, and the two white-faced women ambush Larry. Olaf says that he may not have much but he has a plan, and the women toss Larry in the freezer.

At the rally, the Quagmires tell the Baudelaires that they're in danger.

Poe tells Tamerlane that the Baudelaires aren't in danger. Meanwhile, Larry calls Jacquelyn from the freezer and she calls him a taxi. Poe wonders what is going on as Jacquelyn ducks under the table and calls the organization to send a taxi.

As the orphans try to exchange notes, everyone cheers so that they can't hear what the others are saying. Nero brings in the school mascot, a dead horse, and Carmelita helpfully beats it. The vice principal says that the school hasn't been so peppy since the athletes and their coach vanished, but he's found a replacement for the coach. Duncan tries to pass a note to the Baudelaires but Remora stops him. Meanwhile, Olaf comes out as the new gym teacher, and the Baudelaires recognize him.

Written by Gadfly on Apr 29, 2018

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