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The Coffin Recap

Tulip enters the manor, gun drawn, and enters Marie's study. She finds Marie sleeping on the couch, and then puts her gun away and walks out.

T.C. drags a dead pig to Cassidy to eat, and discovers that he's gone. He yells for Jody.

Tulip goes to Jesse's room and says that he has to ask her about Marie.

T.C. and Jody find the remains of Cassidy's skin suit, and figures that someone needs an ass-kicking.

Tulip says that Marie is a bad bitch and it's their turn to get out. She asks why they don't just kill Marie. Jesse starts to answer, but they hear T.C. and Cassidy moving around coming and Jesse figures that they discovered Cassidy escaped. He asks if Tulip is up for a fist fight.

Jody and T.C. come upstairs and stop. T.C. drops down from the roof and attacks tulip, and Jesse punches Jody. They fight and T.C. improvises a flamethrower out of a hair dryer and a roll of toilet paper. Tulip grabs a toothbrush and eyebrow pluckers, and kicks the distracted T.C. unconscious. She goes back to the bedroom, discovers that Jody and Jesse are gone, grabs her gun, and puts it to Jody's head when she finds him at the front door carrying the unconscious Jesse. She has him drop Jesse, and Jesse starts choking as Marie uses the blood compact. T.C. arrives with a shotgun and orders Tulip to drop her gun. After a moment she does so.

Jesse wakes up in a coffin and realizes that it's been dumped in the swamp with an air hose to provide him oxygen.

Starr is practicing presenting Humperdoo to the Queen. The inbred Messiah stumbles through a greeting, and Starr has him kiss the Queen's ring. Humperdoo eats it instead, and Starr is summoned to take a video call from Allfather. Allfather is busily gorging himself and admits that his stomach staples aren't holding. He asks if Starr knows Jesse, and Starr says that Samson Unit determined that he was a charlatan. Allfather asks if there is any truth to the rumors that Jesse possesses the Word, and tells Starr that he trusts him when Starr says that there isn't. Starr warns that Humperdoo's training may take longer than they expected, and Allfather insists that they need him now that God is gone. Allfather figures that Humperdoo must have mastered one skill, and Starr says that there's one thing but he doesn't see how it's relevant.

Soon, Humperdoo is performing a tap dance for Allfather. Starr notices that Lara's nose is broken, and Lara says that Tulip sucker-punched her. She tells Star that she has an idea to get Jesse back, and Starr figures that it's too late. Humperdoo finishes his number, and much to everyone's surprise Allfather laughs in satisfaction.

Tulip is manacled in the bedroom, and notices the key on the floor nearby. The chain around her leg is just too short to let her get it. As she grabs a discarded board, Marie and the others come in. Jody says that Jesse is having a time out and asks where Cassidy is, and Tulip says that he's long gone. Marie says that it's bad for Tulip that Cassidy is gone, and reminds her that she saved Tulip from death so Tulip owes everything to her. Tulip insincerely thanks her and says that Cassidy is her friend, and Marie tells her that Cassidy was food. When Tulip asks why Jesse hasn't killed her, Marie says that Jesse is smart and family. She says that Tulip won't be alive for long and tells the two men to watch her. T.C. and Marie leave, and Jody sits down on the bed and plays with a pen.

Back in his office, Starr Skypes privately with Allfather. Allfather says that Humperdoo is brilliant, and figures that they should accelerate his Unveiling. Starr isn't convinced that the world will take Humperdoo as their Savior, but Allfather asks if he's on-board and tells him that the Second Coming will be even better than the first. Starr breaks the connection and tells Lara and FJ that his skin is no good if Humperdoo takes over. Lara says that she has an idea to get Jesse back with them: use Cassidy.

Cassidy is in the back of a pharmacy checking vampire dating sites. The pharmacist comes in and gives him the elephant tranqs that Cassidy ordered. As the pharmacist leaves, Cassidy gets a text to meet a woman, takes out his umbrella, and leaves.

In the coffin, Jesse recites state capitals to keep himself focused. He carves out the name of his friends with his fingernails, and water stars leaking in. a man knocks on the side of the coffin and says that he hasn't seen Jesse in a while and his old pal is going to take over for him. A train whistle sounds in the distance, and Jesse figures that the train is coming.

Jesse hallucinates being Marshal Custer in the Old West. He's on a train that stops at a depot, and Jesse and John Wayne go to confront the approaching outlaws. The leader asks what Jesse's plan is, and John Wayne says that they're going to take them back to Texas to face justice. They all draw, and Jesse and John Wayne kill the outlaws. The leader, dying, says that Jesse hasn't seen the last of them as the train comes back.

Cassidy meets with his date, Lisa, who is relieved that he looks like his picture. They make small talk and Cassidy says that he's been a vampire for 89 years. Lisa says that she's been a vampire for 200 years, and Cassidy admits that there have been upsides and downs. She says that they're outsides and it can be lonely, but it's okay because it makes moments of connection that much sweeter. They end up in the restroom having sex, and Lisa puts in her fake fangs and asks Cassidy to ravish her. he realizes that she's not a vampire, and Cassidy grabs her by the throat and reveals his real fangs. The vampire asks if she wants him to rip her throat out, and after a moment he gets control of himself and goes to the bar and takes some elephant tranqs. Lara is nearby watching.

Tulip discusses guns with Jody, and she secretly grabs a discarded windowshade bar and tries to reach the key. She gets it and drags it to her, but Jody steps on it and takes it away. He tells her that he'd be worried if he was her, but Tulip dismisses his comment.

In the kitchen, T.C. offers suggestions for what they should do to Tulip. Marie is furious that Tulip stole from her and she has every right. T.C. warns that Jesse would never forgive Marie because he loves Tulip, and suggests that they take a break and do something nice for her like play.

Jesse kills more bandits and goes over to John Wayne. John Wayne says that it's High Noon and complains that it's an un-American plot. He figures that real heroes don't wait, and asks if Jesse is worried about Tulip. Jesse insists that Tulip will be all right and wonders what John Wayne wants him to do about it. John Wayne tells him that he can wait until the trains stoop coming, or blow up the tracks. Another train comes down the tracks toward Jesse.

When he snaps out of his hallucination, Jesse peers up the air tube and gets an idea. He uses an empty cigarette pack to confirm there's some suction, then cuts a hole in the coffin and lets the water flow in. Jesse plugs his ears with his cigarettes, then wraps another cigarette with his collar, plugs it into the airhole, and lights the cigarette. He drops down into the water filling the coffin, and waits for the cigarette to light the flammable fumes from the plug. The cigarette falls out of the collar and goes out, and Jesse sticks the cigarette directly in the hole to light it again.

T.C. pretends to be a Civil War southern cavalry officer, Lieutenant Lester Boulanger, and flirts with Marie. They end up kissing on the couch, but T.C. forgets his line and Marie shoves him away. She yells at him to shut up, yanks off her wig, and says that it's pathetic. T.C. breaks into tears and Marie says that their silly game isn't going to fix it. She says that Jesse isn't here and tells T.C. to get Tulip because she's going to eat her soul.

Jesse keeps trying to light the fumes with his remaining cigarettes as water fills the coffin. A cigarette finally catches and the fumes ignite when the cigarette is sucked up the hole. The resulting explosion blows the coffin open.

T.C. goes to the bedroom to get Tulip, and Tulip punches him unconscious. Jody is handcuffed to the radiator, and realizes that Tulip took his pen and used it as a lockpick.

Jesse climbs out of the swamp.

Tulip confronts Marie, who says that Tulip is making a big mistake. Undeterred, Tulip tells Marie to break the spell and let them go. Marie reaches for a knife, and attacks Tulip.

Jesse runs back to the manor.

Tulip and Marie struggle, and Tulip finally gets Marie in a chokehold and forces her to drop the knife. After Marie dies, Jesse runs in and Tulip tells him that it's over, and then collapses dead. Jesse tries to revive her, and T.C. and Jody come in and Jesse tells them what happened. T.C. says that it's because Marie used Tulip's fingernails and tie her lfie to Tulip's. Jesse switches to reviving Marie, and tells T.C. to get his adrenaline.

God appears to Tulip and tells her that it's pass/fail and she is failing.

T.C. brings a syringe of adrenaline, and Jesse injects it into Marie's chest. She revives and Tulip comes back to life. The two woman glare at each other.

Cassidy sits at the bar, passing out from the tranqs. Lara calls Starr and says that Cassidy has passed out. Cassidy and FJ come in and Starr has them get all of the customers out. Once they're out, the Grail operatives sit Cassidy in a chair and film him reading a script in a drugged stupor. It says that he's in terrible jeopardy and needs Jesse to rescue him from the Grail or he'll be brutally murdered. Cassidy reads it and passes out, and Starr sits down and says that he will restore Jesse's powers and he will rise as the Messiah. If not , he'll send a merciless torturer to Cassidy. A glass breaks in the next room, and hooded men burst in, knock out the three Grail agents, and leave with Cassidy.

Tulip tells Jesse that she screwed things up just like God said. Jesse figures that Sabina told Tulip to kill Marie, knowing it would kill Tulip as well, and figures that Sabina made their shit list. T.C. reports that the adrenaline weakened Marie's heart, and says that Marie needs to eat. Jody figures that they should start with Tulip, and T.C. says that they need to get a soul somewhere. After a moment, the two men grab Tulip and Jesse.

A woman tells Cassidy to wake up. A concertina plays, and Lisa welcomes him and puts in her fake fangs. The leader, Eccarius, says that they're Les Enfants du Sang: the children of blood.

Written by Gadfly on Jul 23, 2018

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