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Pilot Recap

Guillermo, the vampires' familiar, goes to wake his masters. They emerge from their caskets, starting with Nandor. However, the latch on his coffin is stuck. Guillermo figures that his vampires is going to make him a vampire on the tenth anniversary of his becoming a familiar. Nandor emerges on cue and Guillermo assures him that he's scary.

Nandor calls his fellow vampires Nadja and Laszlo down. He invites them to the library to read them a letter, and insists that it has to be done in the library.

Nandor talks about how he used to be a solider, Nandor the Relentless.

Laszlo finally agrees to go to the library, and Nandor talks about hygiene in the cell and everyone killing their victims before moving on When Laszlo takes it personally, the two of them fight.

Laszlo talks about how he contracted leprosy in his village, and one night Nadja came to his window, turned into her bat form, and drained his blood giving him the curse of eternal life.

Nadja and Lazlo hiss at Nadja, and Nadja suggests that they mark their victims with marker pens. Nandor agrees and Guillermo takes notes. Eventually Nandor reads the letter after Guillermo closes the door. The letter is from Baron Afanas. Afanas is coming to visit them. Nadja points out that Afanas never leaves the old country, and hasn't said why he's coming.

Laszlo figures that Afanas wants to check on why they haven't converted America to vampires.

Nadia notes that she and Afanas has a very intense sex affair.

Laszlo notes that he and Afanas had a very intense sex affair.

Laszlo suggests that they get a black van for Afanas, and two virgins to feast on. The vampires all laugh, and Nandor tells Guillermo not to laugh. They wonder if Colin Robinson should be there, and Colin comes in and wonders if they're having a house meeting. They claim that it's just a coincidence that they're there.

Colin explains that he's a psychic vampire. He hunts in his office, draining people's energy by talking to them. They either bore people with a long conversation or they enrage them. They're day-walkers, not affected by the sun, and the only kind of vampire that can drain another vampire's energy.

Laszlo notes that Colin's power grows stronger by the night.

Guillermo talks about how jobs his around the house during the day: putting up curtains, getting rid of carcasses. There's a picture of him as Armand from Interview with the Vampire. He then meets with LARPers, looking for virgins. Guillermo explains that he isn't a killer, he just finds people who are easy to kill.

Nadja says that they moved from Europe 200 years ago because there was prejudice against vampires. The two of them go out and a man tells them to go back to their own country. Once they go, Nadja suggests that they dr4ink their blood and Laszlo draws the man into the trees. Once he's done, Laszlo tells Nadja that they should have sex in a public toilet. Nadja decides to walk home rather than turn into a bat, turns into a bat, and flies off.

Nandor goes to a store and tells Guillermo to buy himself some glitter to sprinkle on himself for Afanas. He buys crepe paper but sets a paper skeleton on fire when Guillermo says that it's macabre.

Nandor complains that Guillermo tends to just hang around him.

At the register, the cashier rings Nando's purchases up. The vampire throws a coin at the clerk, and when he objects, Nandor wants to stab him. Guillermo refuses.

Nadja admits that she's been seeing another man but he doesn't see her because she sneaks behind him. She watches from his apartment window and takes photos, and talks about how she was in love with a knight named Gregor and she thinks the man she's been following is the reincarnated Gregor.

Nandor takes Nadja and Laszlo down to the basement and shows them a chamber perfect for the bloodfeast. Colin is already there and he explains that it's his bedroom. Nandor tells the others that they'll have the bloodfeast in the attic once they move the Stairmaster.

The vampires go to the dock to meet Afanas. They can't electronically sign because their fingers don't register, so they have Guillermo sign.

Guillermo figures Anafas is there to see him become a vampire.

Nadja can't stay away from New Gregor. She approaches him and he explains that his name is Suckler. Nadja is less than thrilled with the name.

Later at the manor, Nandor, Laszlo, and Guillermo wait for the virgins. The two LARPers, Jenna and Jonathan, arrive and refuses to say that they're virgins. Guillermo asks them to wait while Nandor and Laszlo hunger. A lot.

Nadja and Jeff walk and talk, and Jeff says that he's a night watchman. She talks about the first time that they made love and he cut off her head, and suggests that they should do it again. Nadja talks to herself about how she should do it but she can't, and quickly excuses herself. She arrives late for the bloodfeast and Nandor begins the ceremony. Afanas' coffin opens by itself and the ancient vampire emerges. He feeds on Laszlo's familiar June and then announces in Latin that he has risen again. He greets Nadja and Laszlo, and Nandor sends Guillermo to fetch the virgins. Laszlo blames Nandor for everything, and Afanas says that the old ways are over. The New World is their lifeline to an eternal future, and tries to figure out why the documentary crew is there. Afanas then continues, saying that the vampires are weak because they hide in the shadows.

Guillermo brings in the virgins, and Nandor quickly sends them out. Afanas confirms that they're on Staten Island where the boat dropped them off, and Afanas says that when he awakens from another slumber, they will rule Staten Island. He returns to his coffin and closes the door.

Nandor worries that if they don't conquer the New World, Afanas will kill them again.

Downstairs, Nandor complains to Guillermo that it didn't go well. They go into the room with the virgins and discover that Colin has already drained them of their energy and they have no nutritional energy. While Guillermo tends to Nandor, Nandor assures him that his anniversary deserves a reward recognizing his years of service. Guillermo says that he's ready, and Nandor tells him to prepare himself... and gives him a glitter portrait with Nandor and a vampiric Guillermo. He goes into his coffin and thinks that Guillermo has only served him for two years. Guillermo closes the coffin li, puts out the lights, and considers exposing Nandor to the sunlight.

Written by Gadfly on Mar 28, 2019

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