Six thousand years ago in the Garden of Eden, the demon Crowley emerges from the earth and tempts Eve to taste the apple. She offers it to Adam and he eats it as well. They make loincloths and go out into the world, leaving the Garden. Crowley and the angel Aziraphale watch them go, and they admit that it didn't go well. Neither one of them know what's bad about knowing the difference between good and evil, or why Crowley tempted Eve. Crowley wonders what God is planning, and Aziraphale insists that it's ineffable and beyond understanding. The demon realizes that Aziraphale has already lost his flaming sword, and Aziraphale says that he gave it away to Adam to defend himself and Eve. He wonders if he did the wrong thing, and Crowley assures him that he can't because he's an angel.
Crowley and Aziraphale watch as Adam fends off a lion, and Crowley worries that he might have done the right thing by mistake. He points out that it would be funny if he did the right thing and Aziraphale did the wrong thing. The angel doesn't see the humor, and it starts raining.
Eleven Years Ago
Two dukes of Hell, Hastur and Ligur, emerge out of the ground into a forest. They walk through a graveyard, waiting for Crowley to arrive. Crowley drives up to the cemetery, and Hastur figures that Crowley has gone native. They all hail demon and Hastur insists on recounting the deeds of the day. Hastur and Ligur talk about corrupting a priest and a politician, and Crowley says that he brought down a mobile phone network and pissed off fifteen million people. Ligur holds up a basket and Crowley is surprised that it's happening already. He gives the basket to Crowley, who says that it isn't his scene. Hastur tells him that it's his starring role and the world is coming to an end. Crowley signs for the basket and Hastur tells him that he'll receive his orders soon and their moment of eternal triumph awaits
Once Crowley takes the basket and leaves, he curses and wonders why he's been chosen to bring on the Apocalypse. The Lord of Flies, Dagon, contacts him via the car radio and passes on his orders, and Crowley swerves to avoid an oncoming truck. The baby in the basket starts crying,
Aziraphale is having sushi rolls, and Gabriel appears next to him. Gabriel wonders why Aziraphale consumes sushi, and Aziraphale says that he has to keep up appearances. The archangel tells him that things are afoot and Crowley may be involved. Gabriel tells Aziraphale to keep Crowley under observation, and points out that it's a miracle that Crowley hasn't spotted Aziraphale yet.
Deirdre and Arthur Young are driving along the highway, Arthur taking Deirdre to the convent to give birth. Harriet Dowling goes by in an ambulance under escort as Harriet goes into labor. Her husband Ambassador Thaddeus is in contact with her via Skype and says that he's there with the President. Harriet complains that Thaddeus is meant to be with her.
At the convent, the Mother Superior tells her fellow Satanic nuns that she and Sister Theresa will replace Harriet's baby with the Antichrist and the other nuns will make sure the Secret Service agents see nothing. Sister Mary Loquacious asks where the other baby will come from, and Mother Superior says that Crowley is on his way with the Antichrist. The escort arrives outside and as everyone else goes to their places, Mary tells Mother Superior that she wasn't assigned a place and it's probably an oversight. Mother Superior tells her to get biscuits with pink icing.
The escort pulls up to the convent and the nuns have the agents take Harriet to the waiting room. The Youngs arrive and Sister Grace Voluble tells them that they weren't expecting them for a week. Deirdre says that she's gone into labor prematurely, and Grace insists that Arthur can't be present.
Crowley arrives at the convent and asks Arthur if it's started yet. Arthur says that his wife is in room 3, and Crowley assumes that Arthur is Thaddeus. He gives the Antichrist to Mary and tells her to take him to room 3. Mary takes the Antichrist there and puts him next to the Young baby, and Arthur peers in and asks if it's happened yet. Mary says that the second baby is someone else's, and gets them confused.
In room 4, Thaddeus sees his son and tells the U.S. President that he has a son. The nuns take the baby away, and Sister Theresa Garrulous loses track of him. She goes to room 3 and assumes that the Youngs' baby is the Antichrist, and Theresa takes the Youngs' baby to Deirdre. Meanwhile, Harriet shows "their" child to Thaddeus, and Thaddeus says that he's realized what's most important in life... until the President calls him away. Mother Superior tells Harriet that she has to name their baby and suggests first Damien and then Warlock.
Mary suggests that Arthur name his child Damien. He doesn't think much of it, and she suggests Adam. Considering it, Arthur agrees. He suggests the name to Deirdre, who agrees.
The nuns take away the unaccounted-for child.
Crowley tries to call Aziraphale but the mobile phone network is still down. He finally stops and calls Aziraphale by land line, and says that they need to talk about Armageddon. Later, they meet in St. James' Park and Crowley tells Aziraphale what happened. Aziraphale insists that Heaven will win but Crowley isn't so sure and points out everything that Aziraphale will lose if Heaven wins. Crowley says that they have to work together to stop Armageddon before it comes to pass in 11 years. Aziraphale isn't interested, and Crowley suggests that they have lunch. They go to Aziraphale's bookshop to have wine, and Crowley points out that they don't have liquor in Heaven.
The Youngs take Adam to their home in the village of Tadfield.
Crowley and Aziraphale drink and get drunk, and Crowley notes all the animals that will be wiped out by Armageddon. The demon notes that Aziraphale will have to deal with eternity once Heaven wins, and God really likes The Sound of Music. Aziraphale admits that he doesn't like it but can't disobey, and they sober up.
Harriet takes Warlock to their home: the official London residence. Hastur visits the nuns and Mother Superior assures him that everything went according to plan, and he tells them that the convent is dissolved. He makes Grace die with a gesture, sets the convent on fire with a lightning bolt, and laughs as the nuns run in panic.
Aziraphale tells Crowley that he can't interfere in the Divine Plan. Crowley suggests that he might be thwarting the Diabolical Plan, and proposes that Aziraphale thwart him from bringing up the Antichrist to be evil. The angel figures that Heaven couldn't object if he thwarted Crowley and they shake on making the Antichrist normal.
Five Years Later
Crowley, disguised as a nanny, goes to the Residence. Aziraphale applies as a gardener at the Youngs. Warlock runs up to Aziraphale as he feeds the pigeons, and tells Warlock to have reverence for all living things. Warlock says that Crowley tells him to grind all living things under his heel, and Aziraphale says that Warlock should only listen to him. Meanwhile, Crowley sings lullabies of Armageddon to Warlock
Later, Crowley and Aziraphale report to their main offices. Crowley tells the duke of Hell that Warlock is fantastically evil but hasn't killed anyone yet. Beelzebub asks if he's encountered any Heavenly opposition, and Crowley claims that none of them suspect a thing.
Aziraphale tells the Archangels that Warlock is being influenced to the light. However, they point out that eventually he will fail because wars are meant to be fought, not avoided. Gabriel tells him that what Aziraphale is doing is doomed to failure,
Back on Earth, Aziraphale and Crowley meet on the bus and Crowley says that Warlock is too normal. Aziraphale figures that means their influences are cancelling out, and worries how they stop the Antichrist if he comes into his full power. Crowley doesn't think it will come to that.
The Present Day: Six Days Before the End of the World
In Hell, Hastur and Ligur check on the hell hound they're prepared for the Antichrist. They shove a damned soul into the beast's cell and are satisfied when it's torn apart.
Harriet and Warlock go for a walk, and Warlock wants to talk about his birthday party. Crowley and Aziraphale watch and Crowley says that the hellhound shows up on 3 on Wednesday. Aziraphale points out that Crowley hasn't mentioned a hell hound, and worries that people will remark on it. Crowley says that Warlock has to name it to begin Armageddon, but if they've done their job properly then he'll send it away unnamed. The demon suggests that if there's no boy then the process will stop, He suggests that Aziraphale kill the boy, and Aziraphale admits that he hasn't killed anything and doesn't think he could. Crowley points out that he'd be doing it to save the universe. The angel changes the subject, saying that they should be at the birthday party and he could stop the dog and do his magic act. Crowley begs him not to do it, saying that it's humiliating.
At the birthday party, Aziraphale does his magic act for the kids. The kids tell Aziraphale that he's rubbish, and Crowley is posing as a waiter and counts down to 3 when the hell hound arrives.
In Hell, Hastur and Ligur figure that when the Antichrist names the hound, Armageddon will begin. They release it to find its master.
Arthur wonders where Adam is for his birthday cake.
The kids throw food at Aziraphale, and Warlock figures it's the best birthday ever. Aziraphale and Crowley go to their car and Aziraphale points out that the hell hound is late. Dagon contacts Crowley via radio and the demon says that the hell hound should be there by now. Crowley claims that he can see it coming and signs off, and Crowley and Aziraphale realize that Warlock is the wrong boy.
Adam is in Hogback Wood playing with his friends: Pepper, Brian, and Wensleydale. The Antichrist is the leader of their group, the "Them". The hell hound arrives and hears Them discussing the dog Adam thinks that he'll get for his birthday, and he wants a small dog that is intelligent. He figures that he'll call it Dog, and the hell hound turns into a small intelligent dog. It runs to Adam and the boy scratches it.
At the book shop, Crowley and Aziraphale drink and lament the fact that they've misplaced the Antichrist. Crowley realizes that the hell hound has found its master, the Antichrist has named it, and he's coming into his power. Aziraphale welcomes Crowley to the end times.
Written by Gadfly on Jun 1, 2019