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The Washingtonians Recap

On a lonely country road, a hitchhiker is walking and unable to get a lift. She pauses in the rain when she hears a horse neighing and the sound of hooves. Two horsemen ride down the road toward her. She runs but the men close in on her. They draw swords and decapitate her.

Mike and Pamela Franks, with their daughter Amy, are driving to Mike's deceased grandmother's house. Amy admits she finds the house scary but promises her dad she won't be frightened. Pulling up, they find an old man napping on the porch, a man Mike talked to on the phone. Mike wakes him up and he introduces himself as his grandmother's friend, Samuel. Amy is leery of him and Mike apologizes. Samuel gives them the house keys and wishes them a peaceful stay. Amy goes to the bathroom and it becomes clear she is frightened of almost everything. Walking through the darkened basement, she comes across what appears to be a man in a box and screams. Mike takes her downstairs and shows her it's an old painting of George Washington. Later, Mike notes to his wife that they'll be the only relatives and no one else is left.

Mike and Pam go through his grandmother's goods and talk about how his grandfather had a store that sold artifacts. It appears that someone has already gone through the boxes. Meanwhile, Amy yells at the painting, saying she's not afraid, and knocks it over. Mike picks up the painting and discovers a letter hidden beneath one corner. Attached to it is a bone fork. Mike reads the letter, which states, "I Will Skin and Eat Your Children. Upon Finishing, I Shall Fashion Tools Out of Their Bones." He shows it to Pam, who notes it is signed "G.W." Mike suspects that the fork is made out of human bone. Outside that night, Mike admits the painting has been around since before he was a child, and Washington was born near the house. He hears something and they see a horseman ride by on the road. They go inside, unaware that someone is watching them from the bushes. The horseman rides by... wearing a powdered wig and dressed in 18th century clothing.

Mike and his family arrive at the funeral where Samuel greets them and introduces them to his grandmother's many friends. They all seem very enthusiastic and admiring, particularly of Amy. After the funeral, Mike meets with Samuel to take care of the paperwork and Samuel offers to go through his grandfather's collection in case there's something of value. Mike shows him the letter and Samuel notes it might be authentic, and wonders what Mike plans to do with it. He makes Mike an offer but Mike decides to hold on to it for now. When he suggests it should got to a museum, Samuel angrily warns that the letter could forever change the image the country has of George Washington. A nervous Mike quickly leaves but Samuel suggest he "sleep on it."

As Mike drives home that night, a horseman in 18th century clothing and white makeup rides up to his car. He pulls away and gets home, and finds Pam in the basement. He describes Samuels reaction but Pam dismisses his concerns. They go to the diner, which only serves meat and where all of the older folks from the funeral are chowing down. The waitress notes that Amy is "cute enough to eat," and Mike imagines all the diners eating bloody food and chewing ravenously at their meat. They drive home afterward and discover that the front door is ajar and the house has been ransacked. Mike figures they're looking for the letter but realizes they've taken the bone fork. Amy goes to her room and finds a beating human heart on the dresser. They call the police who wonder if Mike's grandmother was involved with drugs and offer to come back the next day to check things out in the daylight. As they leave, they both advise him to "sleep on it."

A suspicious Mike takes his family and leaves, driving back home. He puts Amy to bed, unaware that a figure is sneaking around the house. The figure knocks on the window and Amy wakes up and goes to see who it is. She sees a man in 18th century Revolutionary War garb wearing a powdered wig, who bows to her and then gestures for her to invite him in. He bares his wooden teeth and screams, and Mike and Pam run in. Mike doesn't see anything but they hear a knocking n the front door. Mike goes to see who it is and sees several similarly dressed men, who demand the letter and threaten to kill him if they don't. Mike has Pam call the police and the men flee, promising they'll be back.

Mike reports the incident to the police but doesn't tell them about the letter. Pam insists they should get rid of the letter but Mike believes they have an obligation. He calls his friend Professor Harkinson, an American history expert, but then notices that there's human fingers in the cereal box. Mike explains the situation to Harkinson, who recognizes their descriptions and knows them as Washingtonians. He warns that the group has spies everywhere and wants to know what Mike has. Harkinson tells Mike to be careful and promises to come to them to explain further.

That night, Harkinson arrives and enters past the police guard. He explains to Mike that the Washingtonians are a fringe group sworn to protect Washington's true legacy. Mike shows him the letter and Harkinson explains that historians cover up the past and perpetuate the myths while concealing what really happened. Harkinson warns that Washington was a cannibal and the Washingtonians are interested in virgin meat. They're interrupted when the Washingtonians start pounding on the door and breaking in. Mike gives Harkinson the letter and helps him to escape, but the Washingtonians knock out Mike and drive away with him and his family.

The Washingtonians take the Franks to Mount Vernon and Washington's original feasting lodge. There are dozens of Washingtonians there, including Samuel, his elderly friends, and the police officers, who start feasting on a cooked human being. The head Washingtonian shows Mike and his family to an exhibit case holding forks carved from the femurs of the Founding Fathers. They have a portrait of Washington surrounded by naked woman and eating a human corpse. During Valley Forge, Washington first committed cannibalism and enjoyed the taste. Even after supplies arrived, Washington killed a man a day for his meals. He then planned to introduce cannibalism to the newfound American country, and Thomas Jefferson sacrificed himself to the group. They also have Washington's original wooden teeth on display, but Mike derides their beliefs. They prepare to feast on Amy first as Samuel explains that Mike's father was a Washingtonian. They demand to know where the letter is but he refuses to tell them. They prepare to kill Pam and Amy, but they're interrupted when Harkinson arrives with the police. Amy breaks free and the Washingtonians draw their swords flintlocks. The police open fire and gun them all down. Harkinson explains that the government will cover everything up, but then gives Mike the letter and tells him to give it to the world.

Six Months Later

Mike and his family listen to the radio where the news has been revealed that Washington was a cannibal. A deliveryman arrives with Chinese food: all vegetarian. Mike gets change in new $1 bills: with George Bush rather than George Washington.

Written by Gadfly on Oct 30, 2015

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