Guillermo says that he likes being a familiar, even though it doesn't pay. He admits that it's less glamorous then he imagined, and he's more Renfield than Armandi. Guillermo wonders what his life would be like if he was at Panera, and he'd have a life of sleeping and being paid.
Guillermo takes the mail to Nandor, including an envelope. He pops it in the coffin but Nandor can't read it because it's too dark inside. Guillermo says that he had Nandor's DNA tested, and Nandor explains how a witch stole his semen once to cast a semen spell. His familiar explains that the DNA report can be used to determine if Nandor has any living relatives. Guillermo checks it and discovers that Nandor has 200,000 direct living descendants.
Nandor explains that he was married to 37 women when he became a vampire. His wives weren't very happy, and eventually they left. It was for Nandor because he loved 35 of them, and his children were afraid when Nandor tries to visit them.
Guillermo finds out that one of Nandor's descendants, Madelaine Darvish, lives in Staten Island. Nandor insists that they go to the library to see Madelaine, and Guillermo says that he tested everyone's DNA. Nadja and Laszlo don't want to see theirs, and Colin tells them that he'd be flattered if witches collected his semen. The report says that he's 100% white. Nandor has Guillermo announce that Nandor has 200,000 living descendants, and Laszlo and Nadja congratulate him. Nadja warns that the witches will come for more semen, and Colin points out that Genghis Khan has 16 million living descendants. Guillermo tells them that Nandor has a descendant living in Staten Island.
Guillermo had his own DNA tested and discovered that he's descended from the vampire hunter Van Helsing. He insists that Van Helsing isn't real but then figures that if vampires are real than vampire hunters are as well. He remembers killing two vampires and figures that it's in his blood. Guillermo also remembers that he had garlic for lunch.
Laszlo talks about how when he was a human he was never happy. Nadja took his life and let the darkness into his soul, and he's creating something very special for her on the lawn. Guillermo comes out with a garden spike that Laszlo had him ordered, and Laszlo tells him not to bring it into the house.
Colin tells the camera crew that Genghis Khan has more descendants than Nandor.
Nandor, Guillermo, and Colin go to Madelaine's home and Nandor floats up to her window with a teddy bear. She's 94, and Nandor taps on the window despite Colin and Guillermo advising him not to. Madelaine comes to the window and has a heart attack. The EMTs take her body away and Nandor complains that Colin goaded him into tapping on the window. Nandor feels grief about Madelaine's death, and doesn't like it.
Nadja talks about how Gregor keeps dying and reincarnating, and that's why it doesn't pay to become involved with humans. She sings to Gregor, being careful not to hear her.
At the Poughkeepsie Psychiatric Facility, Jeff hears Nadja singing, breaks free, kills an orderly, and escapes.
Nandor invites the residents to go to Madelaine's funeral. They realize that it's a funeral and Guillermo says that he got everyone to leave by calling in a bomb scare. Nadja and Laszlo can't bring themselves to enter a vampire, and Colin says that day vampires can go in. Nandor asks them all to go in, and the vampires reluctantly go in. The vampires bleed and burn, and Nadja and Laszlo finally go. Colin is bored and leaves, and Guillermo inadvertently grabs holy water to put out Nandor's flames. Guillermo looks guilty, and Nandor leaves with him.
At the house, Laszlo and Nadja go to bed.
Police track Jeff as he drives along the interstate. He rams into a light post, flies out of through the windshield, attacks two local teenagers, and takes their motorbike. Jeff arrives at the house and yells for Nadja, who comes out. She tries to have him leave before Laszlo notices, but Laszlo comes out and says that Nadja is his wife. Laszlo explains that he knows that Jeff is Gregor, and that he's always cut his head off. He says that he's there to keep Nadja from crying, and Nadja is touched. She suggests that Laszlo let Jeff have one full life, and Laszlo tells Jeff to fuck off and never come back. He then shows Nadja a topiary that he made of her. As Jeff draws off, he hits the wire Laszlo left behind and decapitates himself. Laszlo goes inside and Nadja says that she'll see Jeff soon when he's reincarnated.
Inside, Nandor asks Guillermo if he's all right. Guillermo insists that he's okay, and Nandor asks what the results of his ancestry tape were. His familiar claims that there was nothing unusual, and Nandor assures him that's fine. He gets into his coffin, reminding Guillermo that he threw holy water on him, and gives him a demerit point. Guillermo stares at him for a moment and Nandor wonders if he's having a serious though, but then figures that he isn't. The familiar closes the coffin lid, blows out the candles, and considers the wooden stakes that Laszlo had him order. He throws them away... right into the portraits of the three vampires.
Written by Gadfly on May 30, 2019