In North Dakota, a female soldier goes to a missile silo. She presents an envelope with orders to the commander, and then the woman and one of the base operatives shoot the commander and the other operator. They remove their uniforms, revealing Grail suits, and tune to the Revue. Humperdoo's performance--and the Apocalypse--start in just under nine minutes.
Cassidy tells Humperdoo that the dancing will be fine. God is with them, and says that it's time for him to go out. Cassidy wonders why God doesn't end the world itself, and God says that they all have to play their part because of free will. After He leaves, Cassidy figures that God likes to watch.
God takes his position in the stands, and everyone applauds as the Messiah is announced.
In the chapel, the Saint shrugs off Jesse's blows and grabs him by the throat. He throws Jesse to the floor and draws his gun, and Jesse tells him that the parents won't be happy. The Archangel and the Demon arrive, the Archangel deflecting the Saint's bullets with his sword. The Saint draws his own cavalry sword.
Lara tells Tulip that she lived in Knoxville, taking cheap jobs and sleeping with bad choices. She admits that she was lost until she met Starr. Lara was attracted to his strength and cruelty, and was lost all over again. Tulip sarcastically agrees, and Lara angrily shoots the corpse in the wall and tells Tulip to shut up. Lara then tries to shoot herself in the head but discovers that it's jammed. She screams in frustration, and Tulip gently takes the gun from her and says that it's true what Lara says about selfishness in the world. She explains that sometimes doing what's right for yourself is just righteous, not selfish. Tulip unjams the gun and says that she's going to keep it, and walks out.
Jesus and Hitler continue fighting,
Starr tries to get the fax machine to work, and tells the IT person on the phone not to put him on hold again.
One of the Grail operatives recognizes God and introduces his wife. The announcer says that the final number is going to start. In the dressing room, Cassidy tries to get Humperdoo to go out. Humperdoo refuses, throws down his cane, and tries to hide in the clothes rack. As Cassidy tries to pull him out, Tulip comes in and asks Cassidy what he's doing.
The Saint fights the Archangel and Demon, and shoots at Jesse who jumps for cover. The Demon cuts the Saint's face, wounding him.
Jesus throws Hitler across the room and tells him to come in. Hitler charges at him.
Jesse, the Archangel, and the Demon all attack the Saint.
Starr pounds on the phone in frustration.
Lara draws a backup gun from an ankle holster and goes out.
The Apocalypse countdown reaches zero.
A doctor removes the bandages from his patient and explains that the man suffered facial trauma in the accident. The patient is Eugene, and everyone screams in horror as his "normal" face is revealed.
The Saint runs the Archangel through, and the wounded Archangel tells Jesse that the Saint can kill anything, including a celestial. He tells Jesse to do the right thing with their "baby", Genesis, and then dies permanently. The Saint kills the Demon and hacks her party apart, and Jesse goes for the Archangel's blade. Before he can reach it, the Saint steps on it. Jesse gets up and says that the Saint wins, and the Saint prepares to shoot him. He hesitates, and Jesse asks if the Saint can hear the peace and quiet. Jesse figures that God is offering the Saint a reunion with his family, and tells him to go on... if that's really what he wants.
Jesus and Hitler continue fighting.
Tulip tells Cassidy that if Humperdoo lives, everyone dies. Cassidy says that it's not his problem, and Tulip punches him. The vampire is unimpressed, and Tulip asks what's wrong with him. Tulip says that she always loved Jesse and never stopped, and Jesse came back from Hell. She tells Cassidy to wise up and move out of her way, but Cassidy doesn't move. Tulip says that no one makes her laugh like she does, and hits Cassidy again. Cassidy tells her that he lets her hit him because he loves her, but if she hits him again he'll kill her. Tulip apologizes and punches him, and the two of them fight.
As the Grail operatives sing, God waits for Humperdoo to come out.
Lara gets to Starr and aims her gun at him. She tells him that he's just another unbeliever, and tells him to get up and get on the tarp. Starr asks her what she believes, and Lara says that she believes in righteousness and being rewarded in Paradise for a righteous life. He tells her that life is the thing itself, and says that they'll make their escape on a sub while the world ends. Lara orders him to get on the tarp, and then hesitates. Starr tells her that they'll live under the sea doing yoga and having sex, and says that she's been of great value to him and always has been. Lara apologizes, says her correct name instead of the one Starr keeps calling her, and Starr shoots her dead with a gun from his desk drawer.
The Saint kneels and lets Jesse kill him with the blade. Jesse then walks out of the chapel.
Tulip stabs Cassidy with anything she can grab, but none of it kills him.
The crowd grows restless waiting for Humperdoo. In the silo, the female operative insists that Humperdoo has to dance before they can release the missiles. God wonders where the Holy Child is, and suggests that operative and his wife go check on Humperdoo because it's their Apocalypse. Another operative notices the exchange and follows them.
Cassidy throws Tulip against the ceiling and chokes her, and she head-butts him and punches him. He avoids her blows and throws Tulip to the floor, and as he chokes her the Grail couple knock at the dressing room door. The operative that follows them starts breaking down the door, and Tulip grabs her gun and shoots Cassidy repeatedly in the chest. He trips her, grabs the gun, and aims at her.
The operative starts breaking through the door, and Cassidy tells Tulip that he knows as she says his name. He turns and shoots Humperdoo dead, and Jesse takes out the operative and opens the door.
God realizes that Humperdoo is dead.
Cassidy kneels by Humperdoo's body and says that he was the nicest person he ever met. He breaks into tears, and Jesse closes the door on the Messiah admirers gathered outside.
Jesus chokes Hitler dead, and God comes in and tells Jesus that it's time for him to be the Messiah.
Jesse goes out on the stage and tells the Grail operatives that he has some bad news. He uses the Voice to quiet them.
Jesus tells God that he refuses, saying that he's just a person no better or worse than anyone. God says that the Messiah thing is showbiz and he could blow the whole world up. Jesus suggests that he be merciful and loving, and a disgusted God walks out. He goes to the elevator and hits the button, and Starr comes out holding a suitcase. God tells him to run, and Starr does so.
God goes to the surface, gets on His motorcycle, and drives off.
Jesse tells the audience that the world isn't coming to an age. He uses the Voice to order everyone watching to turn their TVs off, and they do so. The operatives in the silo admit that it's disappointing.
The doctor comes into Eugene's room and says that he's been thinking about him. He figures that Eugene's life hasn't been easy, and Eugene agrees. The doctor shuts down the safety on the morphine machine attached to Eugene, and tells him that it's time to lay his burden down. Once he leaves, Eugene can just press the button on the morphine drip again and again until he overdoses and dies. Eugene tells the doctor that the worst part of his life is assholes like the doctor feeling sorry for him, and insists that he's better than fine. He yells at the doctor to leave, and the doctor does so.
Jesse tells the audience that God is on the road again and he says that it's good. He's been searching for God for a long time and he has nothing to show for it. Jesse has seen the worst of himself and missed the best in others he cares about. He glances over at Tulip and Cassidy, watching from backstage, and says that he's going to stop looking for God. Jesse uses the Voice to command the operatives to find God, and they all march out.
Eugene goes back to the street corner and performs on his taped-together guitar. People walk past him, and Eugene plays an up-tempo song. People drop money in his guitar case and stop to listen, and Eugene finishes and smiles.
Jesse, Tulip, and Cassidy stand in the empty theater, and they figured that the three of them saved the world. Cassidy and Jesse argue about Frodo, and Tulip yells "Until the end of the world!" She then wonders what they do now.
Texas, Two Years Later
Jesse and Tulip run down the street and through backyards. They come to a dead-end, and prepare to shoot back as the Diega brothers move in. Eight of them move in, and Tulip asks Jesse if he has his letter. Jesse assures her that he has it, smiles, and says that he's happy.
Later, they go to O'Hare's Auto Repair and give Kamal the distributor they stole. They assure him there weren't any problems, and they check on their baby daughter who is in her crib in the next room. Jesse tells Tulip that Cassidy called from a peyote conference and he's not coming back yet. He says that the baby looks just like Tulip, and Tulip assures him that he doesn't mind him saying that.
Someone calls for Jesse, and he steps outside to take the phone. Tulip sings to her sleeping daughter, and Jesse comes back in and tells Tulip that they found God and he has to go. Jesse says that God is in San Antonio and he wants to go.
Later in San Antonio, Jesse makes his way through the crowd of operatives surrounding the Alamo. God is waiting outside his RV with a cup of coffee, and welcomes Jesse. He invites Jesse to sit with him, and Jesse Voices the operatives to go back to their lives. Once they leave or collapse, exhausted, Jesse commands God to make it day and then night. God does so, and Jesse sits down with him and says that he has a lot of questions. God explains about how suffering gives people strength and teaches strength to those left behind. Other religions have admirable things, and there's no life on other planets.
A woman comes out of the RV and says that they're out of bean dip, and she goes to a Piggly Wiggly to get some. God asks what else Jesse wants to know, and Jesse asks if his father is in Heaven. The Supreme Deity says that Jesse's father is a man who lived a perfect life, and Jesse prayed to God that he would burn in Hell. God admits that he denied Jesse's prayer and sent his father to Heaven, and tells Jesse that the moment he let Jesse's father die and every moment in Jesse's life afterward was an expression of His love. Jesse believes him, and God tells Jesse that it's his turn to say it back.
Jesse figures that God's great design is being loved, saying that all the happiness Jesse has was His idea. God says that He'll go back to Heaven, and all Jesse has to say is that he loves Him. Jesse tells him that they'd all be better off without a needy little bitch like God around, and Voices Him across the lawn, up into the sky, and back onto the ground. Disgusted, Jesse tells God to stay out of Heaven and leave them alone. He then Voices Genesis to leave him. When it does, Jesse tells God that he doesn't need Genesis and punches God. God promises to rip Jesse apart, and Jesse says he still won't love Him.
God tells Jesse that He's a loving God but his patient with Jesse is ending. If Jesse doesn't love Him then God will replace Jesse and all humanity. Jesse smiles and admits that they have millions of flaws, but humanity is a miracle. He invites God to replace them if He has something better. Until then, he's going to go see a movie.
When he goes into his RV, God's creations say that they love Him. God yells at them to shut up, and when they continue God strangles one of them. The rest still call out that they love Him.
Jesus is working at a paint store and dealing with customer complaints. He calms a customer down with a promise of a full refund, and then asks who's next.
Starr is teaching golf, and Wittmann pulls up in a cart and flashes his badge. When Starr runs, Wittmann chases him and finally tackles the fugitive. Starr lies on the ground and fakes jacking off, then rolls over and shoots Wittmann with his stolen gun. Later, Starr buries his pursuers in the sand trap and continues with his lesson.
God arrives in Heaven and discovers that the Saint slaughtered the Heavenly Host. The Saint says that they got in their way, and explains that he came to Heaven because he made a deathbed confession to Jesse before Jesse killed him. Jesse figured that eventually God would come back to Heaven, and made sure the Saint was waiting for Him. God angrily orders the Saint to stand aside, but his commands have no effect. When God asks the Saint if he can understand what it was like to be the Creator in the time before Creation and He created love against the loneliness, the Saint glares at him. God asks the Saint to let him take His throne and give it to him along with his family, saying that He loves them so. He says that what was taken will now be returned if the Saint stands aside, and the Saint smiles and says that he chooses hate. He draws his gun and shoots God, and God blasts him back as the lights go out.
When the lights come back up, God lies dead. The Saint holsters his gun and sits on the throne.
Jesse and Tulip sit in a car at the drive-in, their baby in the back. As they watch a John Wayne movie, a star shoots overhead.
40 Years Later
Cassidy and the Custers' grown daughter stand at Jesse and Tulip's graves. The daughter talks about her job as an asset manager, and says that she's been praying but doesn't know why. Cassidy says that he gets it and so would Jesse, and the daughter says that Jesse and Tulip talked about Cassidy all the time. Tulip wondered why Cassidy never came back to them, and Cassidy says that he meant to but ran out of time. The daughter says that Tulip loved Cassidy very much, and Cassidy tells her that all he can do is pick up the pain and carry on. When the daughter asks if she'll see him again, Cassidy says that he hopes so, sets his umbrella aside and walks out into the sunlight. As he burst into flames, the daughter walks away.
Written by Gadfly on Sep 28, 2019